The Secretary Will Disavow Any Knowledge

I need a distraction to keep myself from going postal. All help is appreciated.

To that end, TWO memes (take your pick):

Pick a paragraph (or any passage less than 500 words) from any fanfic I've written, and comment to this post with that selection. I will then give you a DVD commentary on that snippet: what I was thinking when I wrote it, why I wrote it in the first place, what's going on in the character's heads, why I chose certain words, what this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic, lots of awful puns, and anything else that you'd expect to find on a DVD commentary track.

You can find all my fic on my LJ/IJ/DW under the "fanfic" tag, or tag for a specific fandom, OR you can go to my archive page: Love Is Just A Bloodsport OR

Ask me either a broad [writing-related] question (i.e 'who is your cruelest character?', 'what is your most optimistic story?') or a specific question/request ('what world does ___ come from?', 'tell me about ___') and I will answer you. Or you can ask meta- questions like 'what was the inspiration for creating ____?'

Pretty much ask me anything about my fic and I'll ramble at you a bit.

I'm not heavily into black teas other than chai anymore, but I have an ongoing fondness for Bigelow's Constant Comment, especially in the fall. I've looked at other orange pekoe teas and I've yet to find one that smells or tastes so sweetly delicious. I've been known to just sit and smell the teabags a while before steeping them, because I love the smell that much. *sips*

I've been extended on the job again, pretty much through the end of November. I'm choosing to take the high road with it--more money, staying close to my pals, knowing where I'll be at Thanksgiving--but I confess to a certain ongoing amusement that I've tried to quit this job twice and yet they still WILL NOT LET ME GO. I also sing Hotel California a lot.

Last night, The Husband and I got to see Cate Blanchett in Streetcar Named Desire, the combination of two of my favorite things. I don't even know what to say about it. Other than the ache in my knees that is the punishment for being tall and going to the theater, it was an absolutely perfect evening. It was one of those times when you forget where you are and you forget that you're watching something and you forget that these people are only pretending and you get entirely swept up in story. I'm no conoisseur by any means, but I am an avid fan of theater and to be able to see a favorite play put on live AND to be able to see a favorite actor perform it (AND to be there with The Husband, who'd never seen ANY version of Streetcar and didn't even know what it was about...)... It was magical. Absolutely magical. If all the performances weren't sold out, I would've absolutely gone again, later in the run. *sighs*

( On the writing front )

So I think I've decided that I'm NOT going to do prettylightsfic because while I think I could write RPF in other fandoms than SPN, I don't know those fandoms or actors as "intimately" as I know the SPN ones and I know me. I'll end up doing all this research to try and get it "right" and I just don't feel like investing that kind of work in fandoms I'm not nearly as interested in. And I just feel guilty only offering SPN fandom. Besides, 99% of the fandom is J2 and while I CAN write it, and I enjoy reading it, writing it doesn't turn my crank the way it used to. So why set myself up to write something I won't really enjoy?

OTOH, I'm wondering if there's enough of us, yet, who might be interested in a JDM ficathon. Not NOW, obviously; I'd probably want to wait until all the winter fests are past, but... Yeah. A JDM-centric ficathon. Het, slash...hell, I'd even take JDM gen. Just JDM and SOMEBODY. A human shaped person. Anybody maybe interested in that? Sometime in January, maybe?

So, I should probably be all modly and crap and remind y'all that time is running out to sign up for mini_nanowrimo. Sign-ups are closing on the 30th. Minimum committment is 100 words a day for 30 days. As one of the mods, I'm clearly biased about the benefits of the comm, but we have many, many repeat customers who would also be glad to attest how it's helped them either jump-start their writing or get them into a steady habit of daily writing.

It's probably bad form to admit, so close on the heels of that STERLING RECOMMENDATION, to admit that I haven't done any writing today, but we all know I am no stranger to embarassing myself. So. Yeah. That happened. Or didn't happen, as the case may be. I will write at least one sentence today. This I vow!

I was going to write today. I had plans to write. And to catch up on my shows. But instead, I decadently piked off to Balto to have sushi with mah gyrls, something I apparently desperately needed, as I regaled them with stories of The Joys of Modding.

Driving home, with the lowering sun in my eyes and "Sultans of Swing" blaring on the radio, I felt such a deep and profound sense of happiness, of being absolutely content with myself and the world in that moment. I used to ignore those moments, bypassing them for my laundry list of worries and stresses, giving them no weight in the scheme of things. And now... Now I do my best to dive deep into that moment, to occupy it fully and to it's limit and bask in the simple pleasure of being able to say, "I'm happy."

It was a good day.

When verb_noire was announced, I was really excited. Not for myself in particular, so much, as I think it's an idea whose time really has come. As someone who grew up reading SFF, a habit inherited from two parents who read SFF, I'm aware of how few of those beloved epics contained characters that looked anything like me, let alone protagonists and, simultaneously, I'm aware of how—as a result—I absorbed some fucked up messages and internalized racism.

As a fan of the genre, as someone who loves it, and as someone who is still unpacking the damage the genre they left with the good, I feel like there is absolutely a greater need for diversity and representation in the genre.

( Which, indirectly, brings me around to my own writing.  )

I really feel like I've been failing at things lately. At juggling. I feel like I've only had the energy to expend energy in one direction, most of which hasn't been directions I'd probably prefer.

I'm kind of at a lull point now; an eye before the second storm wall of actually GETTING married, and I'm struggling to catch up with all my media. Of course, by the time I've caught up with things or I find a moment to write about it, the world and the internet and even my brain have moved on.

I haven't been writing very much and when I have, I've been pretty rubbish at keeping track of my word counts, which is problematic for my findyourwords goals. I'm looking to change that, starting today. I only wish that restarting La Muse was as simple. I'm at the 'want to make words/have no words' stage. Which feels like a place I am, all too often, lately.

I've spent the last few days rereading what I have of Appetite. For a while, I couldn't even do that, so it's an improvement, but now I'm feeling like--though I love the story and I feel good about it again--I don't know if I can find my way IN to the story again. It's like there's a closed door between me and it and I've lost my key. I keep hoping someone on the other side will let me in, though, because I really, deeply do LOVE this story.

February's Round-Up:

Always (Black Donnellys, Kevin/Tommy)

A Kept Boy 42|43 (RPS, Jeff/Jensen)


*sighs* Whatever. I moved that month. I'm going to pretend, at least, that I don't wish desperately that I'd been more productive. La, la, la...

I'm back! Well. I have internet (and TV!) again (thank the heavens...and The Fiance). Even reading the much shortened "Do or Die" version of my flist, I'm back over 300 entries and still not caught up. I'm also quite a bit behind in my media. Packing up your whole life and moving across country leaves surprisingly little time for movies, television, games or reading. Or writing, for that matter. Go fig.

Nonetheless, I am me, and that means I'm working on things. Probably what feels the best, for me, is the renewed spark to work on Flesh & Blood and Appetite. I may have another, more extensive (read: more navel-gazey) post later. But instead, I bring you a meme!

Post a single sentence from each WIP you have (or as many as you want to pick). No context, no explanations. No more than one sentence!

1. It was probably the proudest that either of his parents had ever been, especially his dad; the hope that Matt had somehow—improbably—found the alpha's favor, the potential that Matt could or would become one of Martin's favorites…which he had, Matt guessed, but not in the way his parents had thought.



2. The tidal pull that brought them together and the massive, unending effort of keeping that togetherness secret…it's excitement enough, random enough without adding uncertainty.



3. He is falling into confusion—confusion about him and what the hell he's doing, about what they're doing, about what the fuck any of this even means any more.



4. He turns Jensen around and there's the saltine cross and the rack of whips and floggers.



5. He's getting too deep into Castiel, unable to leave it entirely on the set, though it's a bit chicken and egg which way the bleed goes.



6. Dean closes his eyes, the anemic shower spray falling on his head like tears, soaking his short hair and streaking into his burning eyes, his open, gasping mouth, filling it with the taste of metal and minerals.



7. "Shit, man, shit." Dean says in a typical flight of eloquence, pounding Connor on the back before pushing him back with one arm to look at him again.



8. Ronon doesn't know what to do with it, foreign to him as Dean's stories of the wet-earthed flatlands that he comes from.



9. But if Ren had given Evan to Cobb, there were restrictions to ownership, a fine print of expectation.

I've obviously gotten very behind with birthdays:

Happy belated birthdays to indigo_blind, , sophie_448, sizequeen, kvanti, ifyouweremine, andraste_luna, tjournal (T!), lovelyhera, latte_vanilla, dragynville, daybright, taltos, and jenshih_blue. I'm sorry I wasn't around to wish you well on the day. I hope you know that my good wishes are always there.

I'm also very behind in thanking people for the kind things they do for me. Thank you to all the people who said such lovely things about me in svmadelyn's Valentine's Day meme. Moving across the country has been very stressful and I'm feeling less than a Pretty Pretty Princess and it was really nice.

I feel like I want to talk about so much. My RL is still pretty chaotic, even though we've landed in Maryland and I'm still feeling a bit untethered from people and things and time. We don't have a routine down yet. I couldn't do much writing on the push east--traveling always is kind of a downer for my creativity and I was pretty exhausted much of the time--but I was thinking about my writing so much. A Kept Boy, to be sure, because it's never far from my thoughts these days, but also Appetite and Flesh and Blood and Circle Jerk, the continuation of my Circle stories (One of Us Who Wants to Leave & Here We Make Our Stand), which is hopefully going to be my story for 's Anybody But J2 ficathon. If I get it finished in time. Which...I dunno. The scope of this thing is looking sort of huge from this angle.

( More on that crazy writing thing. )

Now, if we could just get settled, maybe I could coax La Muse to help me get some (or all!) of this writing done.

Daily Count: 2,645
Weekly Count: 10,039
YTD: 45,544

Always (Black Donnellys): 2,170 words. Finished and off for beta. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel like I had a better grasp on TBD's 'voice' before, when I was in the flush of first love, but now, I don't hear their voices as naturally as I used to and I fear it shows in the work. The other "issue" (which isn't really for anyone other than me) is that I have this very long, fairly dark TBD story in my mind that I don't have time or sufficient inclination to write, but then I write things like this and I can't help but poking around the edges of it. Oh, Donnellys, I wish I could quit you.

I Have Seen: 1,560 words. Update on the movies I've seen lately. I love movies.

I feel like I should have so much more to say, but I just...don't. I need to get started on the two ficathon-like things I need to get done before we leave. Let's see if I can scrape up some motivation.

Happy Birthday, kittyfisher!

Daily Count: 219
Weekly Count: 6,309
YTD: 41,814

Always (Black Donnellys): 219 words. I looked through some of the prompts at oxoniensis's Porn Battle and this was the first (and largely only) prompt that caught my eye, but as my pron is still broken (or at least severely bent) I didn't write anything in time. I didn't really know what I wanted to write last night, but I didn't want to write nothing, so I took a brief at-bat with it. The problem is that, in my mind, this takes place at least 5 years ahead of where the timeline left off and I don't have all the details filled in. Which only goes to show how I complicate my own life. *laughs* I don't know if I'll end up doing anything with this or whether it will languish.

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Movies:

15. Hitch.
( blurb )
Another old(er) movie that I forgot I watched with The Fiance in January. It was a cute film, but I think the thing that amused me the most about it was it's struggle to stay on the 'right' side of the moral line, regarding manipulating women.

16. The Outlaw Josey Wales.
( blurb )
Like a lot of movies from this time period, I feel like the narrative was meandering and loose; if it were remade now (blasphemy!), I bet it would be cut down to an hour and a half, at best. Still, I enjoyed it and I kind of want to find (or write) fanfic about Little Moonlight, the Navajo woman.

17. Babylon A.D.
( blurb )
I'd already heard that this was a crap movie, and so I went into it with pretty low expectations. ( spoilers ) In any case, I don't think this is even "cult" bad. It's just bad.

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Television:

Being Human: Watched the second episode. Still don't like the new people (now less than ever!) and feeling strangely ambivalent about George. I should just quit, right? *sighs* Sometimes masochism is not a fun, sexy trait.

Big Love: Continues to be made of win and happiness. I keep wanting to write about this show and never quite get there.

United States of Tara: I find myself fascinated by the show on its own merits, but I also find myself fascinated by Diablo Cody's viewpoint on families. On the one hand, I think they show a level of dysfunction that's closer to my family dynamic than most mass media, but OTOH, there's a level of casualness that never would fly in my Black Seventh-Day Adventist family or my Irish/German Catholic family.

Friday Night Lights: I wish so much that everyone was watching this show. I know that football is a huge turn-off for a lot of fen, but the show is about so much more than that and the writing, acting and relationships are so incredibly phenomenal.

Leverage: I agree with shotofjack that episodically, none of the eps have matched the elegance of the original, but the characters and their dynamics give me so much pleasure that I can't care much.

BSG: This is at the Joss Whedon/Serenity stage where you realize that anything can happen and anyone can die, because it's THE END and it's taken a show that was already engrossing to absolutely electrifying.

A Kept Boy: 39|40|41

Outtake #3: Kane

Outtake #4: Jared

Outtake #5: Samantha

Make It Dance (Criminal Minds, Hotch, gen)

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On the one hand, it's a little depressing to see how few stories I've written this month. Y'all know me. On the other hand, I look at my findyourword spreadsheet and taking these few stories, a ton of meta and some original fic that hasn't (and won't) make it to LJ, I've written over 41 thousand words this month and no matter how I cut it, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

so fine.

This month has been really difficult for me in a lot of different ways. There's a lot of real life stuff going on and a lot of flail and struggle to produce words at all. It's also very difficult for me to count things that I write that are not fiction as "real" writing. So, more than anything else, I suppose this month has been about learning to revise and rethink my assumptions and my goals and to reframe disappointments in more positive--and sometimes more realistic--ways. These are all good things, lessons that carry over into much more than just my writing and ones that I need to practice fairly often.

So. Of the good:

I'm still here and still writing.

I write more days than I don't.

I'm writing stories that I am really loving telling.

I have wonderful friends and fellow fangirls, who are very kind, giving and loving to me, who feed my mind and my soul. Thank gods for that.

Writing:

Daily Count: 2,776
Weekly Count: 3,907
YTD: 39,412

Outtake 5: Samantha: 2,167 words. This goes into the long list of things I wasn't planning to write, but once I started thinking about how Sam comes into the Morgan household, the idea wouldn't let go.

The Houseboy (review): 609 words.

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Movies:

12. Ten Inch Hero.
Ten Inch Hero revolves around a group of friends working at a sandwich shop in Santa Cruz: Piper (Elisabeth Harnois), Jen (Clea DuVall), Tish (Daneel Harris), and Priestly (Jensen Ackles). The shop is owned by aging hippie surfer Trucker (John Doe), who is in love with Zo (Alice Krige), the manager of the crystal shop across the street.
Ha! I totally forgot that I finally sat down and watched that this month. At this point, I think that everyone's done and seen their reviews of this, but I think I have a longer post in me that I'd like to make about it. But long story short: I enjoyed it, but I'm not 100% sure how I feel about it, if that makes sense.

13. 1408
No one can explain the strange goings-on in room 1408 of the Dolphin Hotel. In this thriller based on a Stephen King story, writer and paranormal debunker Mike Enslin (John Cusack) is determined to demystify the ghostly events, even though a hotel clerk (Samuel L. Jackson) begs him to rethink his plans. Mike needs to write another book soon, and room 1408 may be his ticket to the top of the best-seller list. But will he survive even one night?
There's nothing particularly new or exceptionally interesting about this movie (other than the fact that John Cusack and Samuel L. are always interesting), but sometimes you just want a good ghost story. This is like my comfort food.

14. Taken.
While vacationing with a friend in Paris, an American girl (Maggie Grace) is kidnapped by a gang of human traffickers intent on selling her into forced prostitution. Now, her father, Bryan (Liam Neeson), a former soldier, must pull out all the stops to save her. But with his best years possibly behind him, Bryan's task may be more than he can handle. Directed by Pierre Morel, this relentless action thriller also stars Famke Janssen.
I have to admit, my main motivation for seeing this was the visceral thrill I get in hearing Liam Neeson say (in that Liam Neeson voice) "...they're going to take you." *shivers* Ahem. The movie itself was pretty standard fare. ( minor spoilers )

Now I'm going to rewatch an old favorite: Jamie Lee-Curtis's Prom Night. I haven't seen this movie in ages. I think I'm having a horror movie renaissance.

Happy birthday tiffosis!!

Happy birthday, oxoniensis! You're one of the kindest, most giving people I've met in fandom or outside and I wish you nothing but the best, today and forever!

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Daily Count: 1,131
Weekly Count: 1,131
YTD: 36,636

Since I just posted AKB 41, it's pretty obvious what I've been working on, right? Unfortunately, it looks like that's all I'm going to get done today, since the dental surgery yesterday has left me ill and sore today. I think I'm just going to bed and snuggle with the cats and The Fiance.

---

So I finally got off my butt and watched The Christmas Cottage. My email to shotofjack went something like the following:

1. Jared is very, very pretty.

2. This probably would have done much better if they'd billed it as a comedy instead of a SRS BZNS film.

3. I don't think Jared had to do a whole lot of acting for this.

Now that's not to say that Jared didn't give a good--even great--performance, given the material. I just don't think it was a stretch for him to play Thomas Kinkade. Especially since he's been used to making bricks from straw with some of the clunkier lines from SPN.

All that being said, I enjoyed the movie a lot more than I thought I would.

This makes movie number 11 for the year. Next up, The Houseboy.

Happy birthday to seperis, hilarious dispenser of such gems as: "Hi, I am anal and delicious is my crack"... I hope it is a marvelous, happy day!


(Combined) Daily Count: 6,782
Weekly Count: 8,881
YTD: 34,886

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January 26

AKB 41: 662 words.

Being Human review: 1,613 words.

Fandom Navel Gazing: 864 words.

January 27:

100 movies: 1,229 words.

AKB 41: 42 words.

Beyond Trans 101: 723 words.

Feet of Clay: 326 words.

My Eyes Can See Only You (Donald Strachey meta): 1,323 words.

What can be concluded from all this: I seem to have a lot to say but not much of it is going into actual FICTION. Also, my porn is not only broken, it's SHATTERED. *weeps*

What pleases me: superstitiousme has recorded the first five chapters of A Kept Boy as a podfic! Get yours here! Much love to superstitiousme for taking on this huge task (she will be recording the entire story), bloodquartz for adapting her beautiful banner to be used as album art and general_jinjur for hosting the file.

Happy belated birthday uknoit863 and crimsonsenya! Happy birthday extraonions and kittyzams!

It's been a relatively eventful weekend for my Real Life and not so eventful for my writing life. Thank you mickeym and anonymouse for my lovely v-gifts! I'm sorry I didn't thank you sooner.

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I was thinking about my last post, regarding the Donald Strachey Mystery, Ice Blues. ( Spoilers for On The Other Hand, Death. )

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Daily Count (summed): 2099
Weekly Count: 2,099
YTD: 28,104

AKB 41: 565 words.

F&B: 101 words.

FUBU or Fubar (Ice Blues): 550 words.

On the Other Hand, Gay: 521 words.

Ugly Betty post of no name: 362 words. This might never get posted.

Okay. So I've talked a couple times about "bringing the main arc of AKB down" and, based on a couple comments I've had (all good!) I wanted to talk about that a little more.

1. I am not abandoning this story. When I talk about bringing the arc down, I'm talking about it in terms of something like Lost, where JJ Abrams and Co told ABC it would take them FOUR MORE SEASONS to close the arc. I'm hoping I don't take nearly that long, but I am committed to telling the best, fullest story that I can and it doesn't end here.

2. Even after I close this arc, my plan is to write other stories. Stories about Jeff and Jensen and where they go from the end of the "main" (or really "first") arc. Just because they get to "an" ending point doesn't mean it's "THE" ending point. I feel like I still have a LOT to say about this world and these boys in particular. So don't freak out on me, okay?

3. My reasoning for all this is twofold:

a. I have a personal abhorrence for stories that go on "too long"; stories that go on and on pointlessly for thousands of chapters, full of events that are more padding than important and generally just make the story flabby and meandering. I have no desire to watch something I love this much become That Story. I believe very deeply that all stories have a time to be picked up and a time to be put down. And that doesn't mean I can't revisit that universe and those characters, but a story has an arc and that arc should be respected, open to close.

b. I have a personal abhorrence for unfinished WIPs. I have a couple of my own and, though it might not seem like it to read my posts, they SEAR MY SOUL with an itching, nagging niggle of "not finished". I don't want to end up writing this single story for a year or more and then end up getting bored or disillusioned or something and then just...dropping it. If I close the arc, that gives me the leeway to start new arcs and tell more stories while leaving this first story of AKB to stand on it's own, a finished and somewhat complete story.

So if you were started to feel a little shaky about the sudden death of AKB: don't. It's all good. I'm not nearly done here yet. Even at my MOST OPTIMISTIC estimates, bringing down the main arc is going to take 15-20+ chapters. I will keep supplying the fix.

Be excellent to each other.

At this point, it's late enough that I'm just going to sum up both days:

January 20

Daily Count: 1,238
Weekly Count: 8,007
YTD: 24,268

AKB Outtake 4: 993 words. Done and posted. I'm a little shaky on the prose, but I'm satisfied with how it turned out and the feedback on it is just what I was hoping for.

AKB Outline: 198 words. Thinking about how to close the main arc. There's still so much stuff that I want to fit in there and I'm torn between feeling like I need to bring it down RIGHT NOW and the recognition that I have as much time to bring it down as it requires. I'm not in LOST territory yet. *g*

Appetite: 47 words. Mostly tinkering with existing prose.

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January 21

Daily Count: 1,737
Weekly Count: 9,744
YTD: 26,005

AKB 40: 1,025 words. This chapter is kind of pivotal, both for getting to "THE" scene that I want to write and for getting Jensen and Jeff that next step forward. Of course, in the middle of this, I have a thought about something I want to throw in for lagniappe, for no reason at all, just because I think it'll be a swank idea. Argh. Okay, Kink, I get it! You're home. Now could you unpack the porn, please? We're about to need it.

Watch Your Tongue (essay): 712 words. I don't know if I'm going to post this anywhere. I wrote it in a sense of frustration and I don't know whether it's worth putting it out there for public or semi-public consumption. I got it out of my system, which was the most important part.

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Happy belated birthday to mossylawn! I'm so sorry it's late, but my good wishes are heartfelt!

Happy birthday to aesvir (who is off having a wonderful time already by the sound of it) and my very, very beloved idyll, who has brought me incredible happiness in so many ways. I hope it is the very best of days for you both!

Daily Count: 460
Weekly Count: 6,769
YTD: 23,030

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AKB 39: Completed and posted. Haven't started 40 yet, though the voices are knocking at the doors. I'm reshuffling some of what is/was supposed to be happening--for selfish reasons; I just want to get to a certain scene sooner than I'd planned and I think I can open the door to that if I move things around into a different order. I also feel like I need to bring a better eye to bringing this arc down. I don't think I'm done with Jeff/Jensen or this universe by any means, but I do feel really strongly that a single arc can only go on so long before it becomes flabby and overindulgent (MORE overindulgent?). I know where/how I wanted the arc to end, but I need to evaluate whether I've given it enough build-up or whether I still need to build the ramp up to it.

AKB Outtake: 414 words. I don't want to talk too much about this one; I kind of want it to be a surprise. It's not an outtake I was planning on writing.

F&B: 46 words. Mostly shuffling around the stuff that was already there.

I was rather spectacularly unmotivated to write yesterday. I slept late and heavily again, trying to throw off the last of this cold and The Fiance was home sick...which means I always get much less done.

I want to see if I can finish the outtake today and then poke at F&B or Appetite (or both) and see if I can eke a few more words from them. I also need to consult the Muse's Auxiliary League to see if my scene shuffles for AKB work.

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What pleases me: It's not what I normally put here, but today, what most pleases me is President Barack Obama. I'm sure you understand.

Distractions: merepersiflage is giving me a sneak peek at her latest opus; I have to make sure that I don't get so lost in her prose that I forget to write some of my own.

Daily Count: 2,636
Weekly Count: 5,264
YTD: 21,525

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AKB 39: 577 words. This feels good, especially after yesterday's meltdown on F&B. I'm not sure how I feel about WHAT I've written, but it feels good to have made progress.

F&B: 112 words. Well. After a crying jag, many pets and encouragement from my good friends, and some heavy thinking, I feel better. I think what's in my best interest (and possibly the story's best interest) is to not worry about writing it for this submission call. I don't think the story is a good fit for what the publisher was looking for and I like this story and these characters enough that I don't want to do what it would take to better tailor it for their specifications. So. I think I'm just going to write this and see if I can make it go on its own merits. I'm of two minds whether I want to dump the vamp angle or not. Where did my vamp mojo go?

Jensen Has My Heart (MBV review): 1,947 words.

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What pleases me: Jensen snorts, finally setting the can of pink, over-caffeinated sugar on the table. There aren't any coasters—and the table bears witness to the fact that no one uses them—but he sets his can on top of a torn and well doodled scrap of paper that proclaims: CHAD IS THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE ALL DOUCHES. "Of course I do. He's my master. We're supposed to love him."

Distractions: Well, illness and sleeping for thirteen hours of the day have really put me behind the eight ball. I also have premieres coming up tonight: Big Love, The L Word, The United States of Tara and S2 of Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Given all that--and my relative level of heart-sickness and anger about the devolving ugliness of the discussions of cultural appropriation--I don't know how much I'm going to get done today. Maybe I'll just go and hide in AKB for a while. Who knows?

Happy birthday, raeyashi! Much joy and happiness to you!

Daily Count: 2,731
Weekly Count: 2,731
YTD: 18,992

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AKB 39: 103 words. Nothing new here, plod, plod, plod.

Created Marriage (meta): 628 words. This can wait for anytime. Which it may have to.

F&B: 2000 words. I'm having kind of a crisis about this. I'm four thousand words into it and I'm realizing that the pacing is off and that it's not meeting the submission criteria, an opinion I've had reaffirmed by shotofjack, who has great instincts for these things.

In the normal run of things, that would be simply a call to retrench the story. And...maybe it still is. But between my sluggish muse and the rapidly approaching due date I don't know if I have the time to completely rip the story apart and reassemble it from the pieces. I'm at a loss for the how to even do that. And I'm frustrated and about ten seconds from saying fuck it.

I'm so angry with myself and I'm so angry about my inability to get this right and I'm not even sure I want to rip the story apart, at this point. I feel like I don't know what I'm going to end up with and that I may not like whatever it is. I feel like I shouldn't have even tried to write a vampire story, given my disillusioned/conflicted/irritated feelings about vampires and vampire stories at this point in time. And I feel like I just wasted four days of my life for something that's a failure.

ARGH. ARGH. ARGH.

Daily Total: 2,161
Weekly Total: 9,214
YTD: 16,261

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Unforgiveable (meta): 1,161 words. I don't feel like I said all the things I wanted to say with this essay and I don't feel like I was entirely coherent about the things I did say, but I hadn't written anything for F&B and so, I was in a hurry. It got it out of my system, which I guess was my end goal.

F&B (original fic thing): 1,000 words. The words aren't coming as easily as I'd like, but they are coming and I'm already really in love with these characters and I am really happy with what I've written so far.

I want to write an essay about...well, it's primarily about Friday Night Lights and how EVERYONE needs to watch this show this season because it's unbelievably awesome, but I also want to talk about (possibly in a separate post) about "how shows can do things right". I think that when shows introduce new characters, there's often a collective groaning from fandom and a kind of pre-prejudice against them (which is based on experience and history, don't get me wrong). But I think that FNL handled that dilemma with remarkable subtlety and grace in a manner that other shows could stand to emulate. I also think that people could take a cue from FNL on the way to write lasting relationships and still keep them interesting.

I also wanted to reference Criminal Minds, which does some fairly subtle but subversive things--and without external, neon-flashing commentary. There's so much TV that's just rehashing the same stories and the same tropes--and doing it in the exact same ways and it BORES ME. Lately I've been realizing that the TV landscape is kind of a war between people who want things to remain the same as they've always been and people who want their media to change and grow.

I get tired of the same old thing. That's not to say that I won't come back to my comfort "foods" now and again when I'm in a mood, but for the most part, I want things to develop and grow and sometimes that means moving on and I get so frustrated with show runners who think that we're too stupid or whatever to realize that we've SEEN this story before. Ahem. I'm going to cut myself off here, before I actually start writing that essay for real.

Anyway, I've got to get at least 1000 words of F&B done today--presumably before I head off to dinner & a movie with shotofjack (MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D, YO!). We'll see how much I get done today.

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Excellent link round up about the Cultural Appropriation discussion going on in the blogosphere right now.

Happy and Most Wonderful birthday felicitations to crazyjoyfulgirl, who lives up to her name in all the best ways and heidi8, who brings great joy to my flist.