The Secretary Will Disavow Any Knowledge

I have a very specific way that I lose track of time. I obsessively count down minutes until about five minutes until my deadline. Then I blank out and don't regain any consciousness of "Hey, weren't you waiting for something?" until about 6-10 minutes after my deadline. It's kind of amazing. *sighs*

It's not everything, but it's a lot: How Defying Gravity Would Have Progressed, Straight From the Creator. It's not quite a Firefly hurt, that DG didn't make it, but it's pretty close. It's rare that I take such deep pleasure in a show, so quickly...but it's usually a pretty good sign that the show is DOOMED. I'm like TVphoid Mary.

I'm too tired to do either of these stories justice, but.

I had the great privilege of beta-reading darkrosetiger & telesilla's More Than One Answer; an AU of their Keptverse AU. As much as I love Question of Compromise (and it's attendant stories), I have to confess I've been wanting them to write this AU since nearly the start, give Dylan and Joe their chance to get it right, just once. Misc. Actor RPF: Dylan Neal/Joe Flanigan, Dylan Neal/Chris Pine, Dylan Neal/Joe Flanigan/Chris Pine. Slight familiarity is recommended, but it stands pretty well alone. (Link leads to Dreamwidth) ♥

I have yet to even comment on this story, but reading it was a great pleasure and I feel like I'd be terribly remiss if I didn't recommend Shameless by helen78. It's 98K+, and I read it over the weekend. If that's not a sterling recommendation, I don't know what is. Also Misc. Actor RPF with many pairings, so I'm just going to name off the main players and you can go see all the permutations: Christian Bale, Sean Bean, William Fichtner; minor roles by Viggo Mortensen (who kind of became my favorite, omg), David Wenham, Karl Urban and Wentworth Miller. Slave fic, BDSM fic, with an interesting take on the slave angle and some truly awesome kink. I really want everyone to read this just so I have people to talk about it with; it hits some really great narrative kinks right along with the kink kink. (Link goes to Dreamwidth)

Only a few hours left to sign up for mini_nanowrimo, if you're going to do it.

I've got 1400+ new words on Appetite in the last couple days. Nothing new on AKB yet, but it's in there, percolating. Definitely leaning toward yuletide (down to 11 fandoms; one was disqualified!) and considering prettylights, though I don't know if they'll be able to find me someone willing to write JDM. We are a mighty minority. *muses*

Okay. Losing functionality. Off to bed!

I posted this in my personal journal, but it's important and upsetting enough to me that I'm crossposting it here:

Currently, there's a contestant on Top Chef who is a cancer survivor. In the most recent episode, ( spoiler )

Right now, I'm watching Grey's Anatomy and I'm looking at Katherine Heigl in her headscarf and her cardigan sweater and remembering how it felt to be that cold and brittle-feeling all the time.

Earlier this week, I was watching Queer As Folk (US) and wondering if I'm ever going to be able to watch a TV show or movie with a cancer plotline and NOT taste chemo in the back of my throat.

EVERY DAMN DAY, I block on a word, or I misspell something that I never had a problem with before or I sit down in front of the computer and try to write with one-tenth the ease I had before I was sick and I wonder if I will ever have any of this back again or whether it's just gone forever. Every day. And possibly every day for the rest of my life.

And this is while I'm theoretically "well".

When I was actively sick (because you can be cured, but you're never REALLY cured), I didn't talk a lot about my cancer, not even here in the space that was devoted to my personal needs and ramblings. The reason for this was two-fold:

1. I LITERALLY COULDN'T TALK ABOUT IT. Cancer--and it's treatment--is hands down the worst thing to ever happen to me. It was 5 years of not feeling quite right and having doctors tell me it was my weight (even after I'd lost a hundred pounds) or my imagination. It was 9 months of distilled hell they call treatment which...I can't even describe how awful it was. How I had every piece of my life penetrated and taken over by this raping disease. How I lost every vestige of my privacy, because my every bowel movement might be relevant. How I lost control of my own body to the doctors and to the disease. How I had to shut down any rapport I had between body and mind because the body was SO SICK, ALL THE TIME that the mind couldn't take it and to survive, I had to burn that bridge and I'm STILL fucking rebuilding it. Every little thing about myself that I liked, that I thought was pretty, that I thought was intelligent or good, or whatever...gone. All gone. And there are no words for all of that. This here is the barest edge of it all. Going through it, experiencing it, trying to just...HANG ON until it was over... You don't get it unless you've been through it. No amount of empathy you can summon can even stand on the bare shores of that ocean of misery. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. And if you're in it, if you're treading water in that ocean, a) you don't have the time to talk about it, because all your energy is pouring into holding on and b) you don't even know where to start explaining THAT shit to people.

2. The other reason that I didn't talk about it is the fear of people like fucking Eli on Top Chef, thinking that me talking about my cancer is some bid or plea for sympathy or attention, rather than something that TOOK OVER MY LIFE TO AN EXTENT THAT THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT. And that completely changed the life that came after it, so that no part of it is untouched by that cancer. There was the fear of becoming on of "those people" who is solely defined by her disease. Which, in retrospect, is laughable, because I WAS ALREADY BEING DEFINED BY IT. Against my will.

(The tangential aside that I want to point out about the Eli situation is that it is also entirely insulting to the two judges--both female--to suggest that they were not discerning enough to separate their appreciation of good food from any sympathy they might feel. And I wanted to get that out, but it's not the point)

But now it's not even 2 years cancerl free and mostly what I am is angry. I'm angry at the medical profession. I'm angry at the cancer itself. I'm angry at my parents, for passing on such cancerous genes. I'm angry at myself, for not being better, handling it better, for all those things I had to do, even knowing it was necessary. I'm angry at all the tears I shed, afraid to go outside and have people see me, puffy and pale and balding. I'm angry at the people who stood behind me on the BART escalators, fuming that I didn't walk up them, or that judged me for standing and waiting for the shuttle bus rather than walking the 2.5 blocks to my job. I'm angry at the people who "helped" me by piling on the lavishly detailed stories of their friends and relatives who had cancer and who forced their hugs on me whether I wanted them or not. I'm angry at all the people who patted me on the knee or shoulder and said, "Don't worry, you'll get through it," as if that was ANY CONSOLATION AT ALL.

And I'm mad at fuck heads for Eli for making sure that I could never talk about it, even if I was so inclined.

Fuck you, Eli and your "cards". Fuck you with a big splintery stick.

I'm on my way to bed and I won't get a chance to look back at this until after work tomorrow, but...

Is anyone else watching Defying Gravity? It's seriously become my favorite new show in very short order. The pitch for it was, apparently, Grey's Anatomy in space which...is not entirely inapt, but unlike Grey's I don't spend the majority of my time kvetching about the stupidity of the relationships. Quite the contrary; I think the main thing the show has going for it--especially considering how relatively slowly the plot moves--is the depth, reality and flaws of the relationships. They're not overly simplified relationships where everyone hates each other or everyone loves each other; they have ups and downs and ebbs and flows that feels both real and MATURE in a way I, personally, don't feel like I'm getting from most media. The relationships between the women, in particular, get my thumbs up.

Someone else has GOT to be watching this show, right?

HOMG, WHO IS WATCHING THE COLONY???

(For those of you not following the link, The Colony is a Discovery Channel reality show about 10 volunteers living in an isolated community outside of LA in post-apocalyptic conditions, including scavenging for food, shelter, water and things like incursions from 'Marauders'. Needless to say, this show was CUSTOM DESIGNED for my viewing pleasure!)

I've thought about making this a fandom secret, but, besides my utter inability to master PhotoShop, I realized...I have no shame.

( spoilers for the pilot of Glee )

A while ago I was reading Death of A Pirate King by Josh Lanyon. You may remember hearing me talk about it; it's the last (so far) book in the Adrien English Mystery series. And the thing about that book that was so incredible to me was that Lanyon had made one of the protagonists so fucked up that I literally could not conceive of how he was going to work it out between the two guys or make me, the reader, forgive the guy. And yet I still desperately wanted him to.

Sounds familiar, right? ( Do I need to point out that this will be spoilery? )

In other news, has anyone made a Sam vid for Amy Winehouse's Rehab?

Okay. Okay. So I'm watching the Lost finale, right? (NOT FINISHED YET, PLEASE DON'T SPOIL ME!)

( Spoilers for last night's ep )

So. I just finished watching the last Bones ep before the finale and it occurs to me yet again (because I have this thought pretty much weekly) that I really, really don't like the show.

That's not meant to be a slight against those of you who do enjoy—or even love—the show. Recognizing that a show isn't my cup of tea is different than saying OMG, IT SUCKS. But it does raise the question of why I continue to watch a show that I really don't like and don't enjoy.

( If you don't like it, why don't you just stop watching? )

Do you guys have any shows like that? What do you think keeps you hanging on, past the point of enjoyment? Or where it never existed?

Okay, so I've been looking at other people's ep reactions for BSG's finale and everyone is all "OMG IT WAS THE BEST FINALE EVER!" and...I just don't get it. I hated it. So much. And so then I'm sitting here trying to figure out why it (the finale) pisses me off so much. And here's what I got:

( Without going into a lot of detail, my extremely surly thoughts about BSG. )

I had some thoughts. Not all squee, not all bad. Love of show: intact.

( Need I say, spoilers? )

Happy Birthday, kittyfisher!

Daily Count: 219
Weekly Count: 6,309
YTD: 41,814

Always (Black Donnellys): 219 words. I looked through some of the prompts at oxoniensis's Porn Battle and this was the first (and largely only) prompt that caught my eye, but as my pron is still broken (or at least severely bent) I didn't write anything in time. I didn't really know what I wanted to write last night, but I didn't want to write nothing, so I took a brief at-bat with it. The problem is that, in my mind, this takes place at least 5 years ahead of where the timeline left off and I don't have all the details filled in. Which only goes to show how I complicate my own life. *laughs* I don't know if I'll end up doing anything with this or whether it will languish.

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Movies:

15. Hitch.
( blurb )
Another old(er) movie that I forgot I watched with The Fiance in January. It was a cute film, but I think the thing that amused me the most about it was it's struggle to stay on the 'right' side of the moral line, regarding manipulating women.

16. The Outlaw Josey Wales.
( blurb )
Like a lot of movies from this time period, I feel like the narrative was meandering and loose; if it were remade now (blasphemy!), I bet it would be cut down to an hour and a half, at best. Still, I enjoyed it and I kind of want to find (or write) fanfic about Little Moonlight, the Navajo woman.

17. Babylon A.D.
( blurb )
I'd already heard that this was a crap movie, and so I went into it with pretty low expectations. ( spoilers ) In any case, I don't think this is even "cult" bad. It's just bad.

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Television:

Being Human: Watched the second episode. Still don't like the new people (now less than ever!) and feeling strangely ambivalent about George. I should just quit, right? *sighs* Sometimes masochism is not a fun, sexy trait.

Big Love: Continues to be made of win and happiness. I keep wanting to write about this show and never quite get there.

United States of Tara: I find myself fascinated by the show on its own merits, but I also find myself fascinated by Diablo Cody's viewpoint on families. On the one hand, I think they show a level of dysfunction that's closer to my family dynamic than most mass media, but OTOH, there's a level of casualness that never would fly in my Black Seventh-Day Adventist family or my Irish/German Catholic family.

Friday Night Lights: I wish so much that everyone was watching this show. I know that football is a huge turn-off for a lot of fen, but the show is about so much more than that and the writing, acting and relationships are so incredibly phenomenal.

Leverage: I agree with shotofjack that episodically, none of the eps have matched the elegance of the original, but the characters and their dynamics give me so much pleasure that I can't care much.

BSG: This is at the Joss Whedon/Serenity stage where you realize that anything can happen and anyone can die, because it's THE END and it's taken a show that was already engrossing to absolutely electrifying.

RIP, Kim Manners. We greatly appreciated the time and talent you shared with us.

A most happy birthday to crystalkirk and sabry2677. I hope that your day is beautiful, joyous and full of glee.

You know, I really wanted to be open minded for the new Being Human. I always want to be open minded and willing to adapt to new circumstances. But, honestly, I'm just not sure at this point if my issues are because I loved the original pilot so thoroughly and I can't disconnect or whether my problems are real.

How do you tell if you don't like something because you don't like it versus because you were so totally in love with what it used to be?

( Spoilers; largely written while watching. )

So back in 2000, Peter Berg (former actor and the guy responsible for both Friday Night Lights the movie and television show) created a show called Wonderland. I forget if any of the 8 episodes aired, but if any of them did, it was only 1 or 2, iirc. Now, with Berg working on FNL--which has a lot of critical acclaim, if not the ratings to back it up--I guess Direct TV has been broadcasting Wonderland. The second episode aired...Wednesday?

Anyway.

1. It's interesting to see the "hallmarks" of a show creator. Though the material of Wonderland and FNL are very different, there's a certain sameness to the way the shows are shot, from in the camera angles chosen, the composition of the scenes (crowded ensemble scenes and extreme, off-angle close ups) to the movement of the camera--especially the kind of "focusing" shot that has also been used on Joss Whedon's Firefly which is (from what I understand) kind of a no-no (or was previously) in fixed camera work. The dialogue is also very similar--less what's said, because of the differing material, than the rhythm given to the conversations, the inserted pauses. It makes me wonder how much hands on work Berg does, to have produced things so similar a narrative style.

2. It's really kind of eerie to watch the show because it revolves around the shenanigans (and I use that word loosely, this is no Scrubs) of a psychiatric ward and the doctors and patients therein. In that sense, it reminds me a little of Homicide, in terms of focus and story construction but, what it really reminds me of, in an achy and strangely nostalgic way, is just my own childhood. Certainly I was never anyplace quite so dangerous or dramatic as depicted in this show, but my mom was a psychiatric nurse. And I spent a LOT of time at her job at the time--a day program for schizophrenics. I've talked about this before--mostly in amused terms--but it's different to watch this show and feel such a strange solidarity and a sense of almost deja-vu and an even stranger sense of near-homecoming. It's where I developed my sensitivity to and awareness of mental states and how fragile or inflexible those can be, the strengths and weaknesses of perception and the very dirty tricks our own mind can play on us, just by quirks of genetics or hormone levels or neurotransmitter supply and demand. I enjoy a wide range of shows, but I don't identify with a lot of them and I find myself identifying with this one a lot. Not that I feel that any of the characters are representative of me so much as I feel that weird recognition of "the life" and what it was like and how it felt then. It's a feeling both uncomfortable and queerly pleasant and I think I'm kind of hooked.

Is anyone else watching it?

I was offline for a big portion of Thursday and then I slept through a fairly significant chunk of today...which I guess has become yesterday. So let me sum up:

I saw My Bloody Valentine with shotofjack. I want to make a longer post about it, and about the horror film genre and narrative structure, but I'm trying to do a fast sum up of the past couple days, so I'll just say that I thought the 3D tech was really stunning, and so were the performances. The movie was fun and makes me long for the days that my family would rent a dozen horror movies on Friday and spend the whole weekend watching them. I did have some issues, though, which I'm sure surprises no one at all.

I feel like I want to make a post about tonight's Battlestar Galactica, too; it's a really good example of other things I've been talking about: how a show can do things that I, personally, don't want or like and still be an AMAZING hour of television. I've been reading this article about the making of that episode (HEAVILY SPOILERY, FYI) and it's really fascinating to watch it and then get to penetrate so deeply into the creative mind (collective) that went into making it. I criticize Ron Moore a lot for his extra-canonical storytelling, but I liked this article as an early commentary on the episode and it's making so long before we'll be able to get the DVDs.

I still haven't written that Friday Night Lights post, but I hope that many of you tuned in tonight. I, too, am among those who think that the show was less than stellar in the second season (something I think Peter Berg & Co have been very forthcoming about) but I think it completely redeems itself this season and produces one of the finest seasons of television I've ever seen. I love this show's ability to surprise me and it's unerring ability to make me cry.

The Fiance sent me this link to a Sports Guy podcast that's devoted to Peter Berg and (mostly) Friday Night Lights. I haven't listened to it yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

There's also an interview with Jason Katims here that has a nice post-mortem on the season. It's very spoilery for the season, so if you haven't caught it already, I would recommend bookmarking it for later.

I have a post that I'm in the middle of writing; it's a post I've been wanting to write for a long time--about created families and about the emergence of "new" family structures. I'm just a little bogged down with trying to finish my daily quota for F&B. I didn't get much done yesterday and I'm trying to make up for it today.

I watched Supernatural, but I don't have a whole lot to say about it. It seems like disaffection is running deep across the fandom, but I love my show and that's unchanged. The melancholy that I feel is threaded through this season had affected my ability to write about the show--fictionally and non fictionally--but I'm as much in love as I ever was. Even when it's imperfect.

Watched Grey's. I have decided that if SPN is the roofies of fandom, then Grey's is crank. It's horrible and made of toxic poisons and turns you into a horrible tweaker but it's also extremely, penetratively addictive. And it has Jeffrey Dean Morgan and I am his whore. I've become philosophical about this.

Watched CSI. I'm looking forward to seeing where the show goes from here and, surprisingly, I'm okay with how the episode ended even though I've never been crazy about that particular plot development. I think it's another example of how a show can do something that doesn't fit with what I would WANT for the show (or character) but still gives a good and necessary sense of emotional closure and satisfaction. This was especially striking/poignant for me after seeing MBV.

The Fiance is sick. shotofjack is sick. I'm not holding out much hope for myself, especially after today's coma, but OH, I hope I am not getting sick. And I MISS AKB. *weeps* I seriously, seriously miss AKB.

Now everyone go sign up for caarirose's Jeff, Jared and Just About Anybody Else Challenge.

Daily Total: 2,161
Weekly Total: 9,214
YTD: 16,261

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Unforgiveable (meta): 1,161 words. I don't feel like I said all the things I wanted to say with this essay and I don't feel like I was entirely coherent about the things I did say, but I hadn't written anything for F&B and so, I was in a hurry. It got it out of my system, which I guess was my end goal.

F&B (original fic thing): 1,000 words. The words aren't coming as easily as I'd like, but they are coming and I'm already really in love with these characters and I am really happy with what I've written so far.

I want to write an essay about...well, it's primarily about Friday Night Lights and how EVERYONE needs to watch this show this season because it's unbelievably awesome, but I also want to talk about (possibly in a separate post) about "how shows can do things right". I think that when shows introduce new characters, there's often a collective groaning from fandom and a kind of pre-prejudice against them (which is based on experience and history, don't get me wrong). But I think that FNL handled that dilemma with remarkable subtlety and grace in a manner that other shows could stand to emulate. I also think that people could take a cue from FNL on the way to write lasting relationships and still keep them interesting.

I also wanted to reference Criminal Minds, which does some fairly subtle but subversive things--and without external, neon-flashing commentary. There's so much TV that's just rehashing the same stories and the same tropes--and doing it in the exact same ways and it BORES ME. Lately I've been realizing that the TV landscape is kind of a war between people who want things to remain the same as they've always been and people who want their media to change and grow.

I get tired of the same old thing. That's not to say that I won't come back to my comfort "foods" now and again when I'm in a mood, but for the most part, I want things to develop and grow and sometimes that means moving on and I get so frustrated with show runners who think that we're too stupid or whatever to realize that we've SEEN this story before. Ahem. I'm going to cut myself off here, before I actually start writing that essay for real.

Anyway, I've got to get at least 1000 words of F&B done today--presumably before I head off to dinner & a movie with shotofjack (MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D, YO!). We'll see how much I get done today.

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Excellent link round up about the Cultural Appropriation discussion going on in the blogosphere right now.

Happy and Most Wonderful birthday felicitations to crazyjoyfulgirl, who lives up to her name in all the best ways and heidi8, who brings great joy to my flist.

Oh, Nip/Tuck, how could I have forgotten you were back tonight??

Also, WHO HAS THE MARK RONSON cover/remix of The Smith's "Stop Me If You Think That You've Heard This One Before"? WANTSES.

I'm definitely late to the party on Life on Mars...through only my own fault, as I've had more than a few friends enthusiastically pushing it at me. And the thing is...with so many people I know and respect so totally enamored of the show, I thought I would be too. Clearly I have learned nothing from the Lesson of Blade Runner.

And the thing is. Hmm. I've been enjoying the American show well enough, though I don't LOVE-LOVE it and, quite distinctly remembering the kerfluffle about what an abomination it is when compared to the Beeb's version, I decided to finally go back to the source.

First of all, I was really kind of shocked that the American version--particularly the pilot, but really, most of the eps so far--cribbed SO HEAVILY from the Brit version. I mean, it's one thing to lift the plot, but it's another thing altogether to lift both camera angles/shot angles and musical cues. It really underscores the lack of originality in American television, in general, and the ongoing co-opting of any source material that tickles our fancy.

OTOH, after watching the entire series:

1. I honestly don't see enough differences between the American version and the Beeb's to understand the assertion that the American version is an abomination in the eyes of Glod. Admittedly, I don't feel any more excitedly fannish about the Beeb's version than the American and that probably colors my vision, but the American one is SO closely tailored (with marginal variation for those things that don't translate well), it's hard for me to grok what makes the AmVer SO MUCH MORE HORRIBLE, when they're largely shot by shot copies. I know that one of the arguments that was made was regarding the "shock value" of guns, but a) I don't think this was a big enough sticking point for the overall plot (TO ME, obv, YMMV) for it to really matter all that much and b) in both series (the AmVer one being obviously incomplete) I think there's a definite feel of the stakes being raised any time guns are pulled. Again, YMMV.

2. I liked the show well enough (at least up til the end) but I'm not Fannish, or even fannish, about it. I feel kind of weird about exposing my ambivalence (and eventual dislike) because I do know (and like) so many of the people who do LOVE-LOVE LoM, but like Due South and The Sentinel, it's just one of those shows that doesn't click the same way for me. And I don't know why I sometimes feel guilt about not liking certain things that my friends love madly, but we can add LoM to the list, I guess, because I DO wish I liked it more and more enthusiastically.

3. I was pretty okay with the show until the last episode. And then it all tanked for me. ( And this is why. Spoilery, obvs. )

(wow, that came out a lot more bitter than I thought)

One of the things that I really like about Criminal Minds, as opposed to a lot of other similar shows is ( Spoilery, in general, overall for the series spoilery terms. )

(can you tell how much I'm getting accomplished today? *sighs*)

So Katee Sackhoff was on L&O (original flavor) last night and, though I have KICKED my L&O habit, I was weak and tuned in, because although I don't love Starbuck, I do kind of adore Katee. Heh. She was barely in it at all. But! I got bonus!Clancy Brown, who I actually adore MORE. So that worked out. But that's not what I want to talk about. See, here's the thing. I knew Jeremy Sisto was working on L&O and I WANTED to go back to the trough for him, but I had so many things going on in that time slot already and I just wasn't ready to pick up the rest of the L&O burden for the joys of The Sisto.

BUT. Then I got sucked in last night and OMG. I might be re-addicted. And I HATE Mary/Gary Sue characters, but Sisto's character (Cyrus Lupo--COME ON, NOW!) is kind of AWESOMELY Gary-Sue. He's rumpled and bearded and LOOMING. He worked in Intelligence before becoming a NYC cop! He speaks Chinese! He might potentially know some form of martial arts! He's in his first year of law school alongside his duties as a cop! How are my ovaries supposed to resist that kind of barrage?

*coughs* Ahem.

ION, they are apparently remaking Romancing the Stone? AND They Live? This remaking madness is reaching fever pitch, but I have to confess, I'm intrigued. We all know my sick, sick love of RTS. Between this and the remake of The Last Dragon (starring Samuel L. as Sho'Nuff, no less), I will either be dead of glee or of squick. I'll keep you apprised.

And now. I know I have some Criminal Minds fans out there. From my distant, inexperienced vantage point, it seems like Reid/Morgan is the slash pairing of choice. However. I would really REALLY like some Hotchner/Reid. I might even be willing to short-term rent some pieces of my soul for some Hotch/Reid. Can anyone help a fellow fangirl out?