The Secretary Will Disavow Any Knowledge

Untitled 3some fic: 1,076 words

Everything else: 0 words

*sighs* Well. The threesome thing is done. That's an accomplishment, right? Alas, don't expect to see it here any time soon. It's either AU or an out of sequence outtake for AKB, and...yeah.

Sign ups for kamikazeremix are still ongoing! *nudge, nudge*

I spent way too much time today talking with The Gals about the relationship between AKB Jensen and AKB Misha. Of course, I don't think I could've gotten through work otherwise and I'm thinking I might incorporate those thoughts into an outtake. La Muse willing, of course.

As the above word count shows, I haven't made any significant progress on anything else. I've been thinking a lot about Appetite, but there's nothing so far that's pushed concretely past the giant roadblock in my mind and though I've thought (and tried) to go non-linear and write around it, so far it's just a lot of thoughts and no actual wordage.

I've also been thinking a lot about my genderswap SPN story Girl in the World. I was thinking about it last night as I was trying sleep (as you do) and it occurred to me that it might actually be a really awesome original idea. Which excites me...while at the same time making me strangely sad. It feels both funny and weird that I should feel sad about not writing an SPN story to an original piece, but there it is.

I also figured out a key point of Blade or Handle, if I can just wake up my dormant Sam and Dean mojo. I think it's definitely going to have to be three points of view, though. I thought I could get away with just Connor and Sam, but if I am going to go with that idea, then certain events can only happen/be seen if Dean is the POV character. Though...hmm. That would be an interesting challenge; to see if I could carry it off WITHOUT actually showing Dean's POV, come at those events obliquely or after the fact...or with Connor as a voyeur. Hmmm.

I've been sick for the last few days (remember the days when I had an immune system? Yeah, me either.) and yesterday The Husband was out of town, so I made a movie binge. I'm up to 68 movies for the year and can say that Thr3e was utter crap, Teeth may need a longer post, Long Life, Happiness & Prosperity was utterly awesome and adorable (OMG, I want that little girl SO MUCH) and Bottle Shock was...uneven, but entertaining.

So yes. If you carry anything away from all that rambling: kamikazeremix! *beams*

The Speed of Gravity (SPN): 664 words

Flesh Becomes Water (SPN): 500 words

The Feeling We Once Had (SPN): 676 words

Leave An Entire World Behind (SPN): 620 words

AKB 50: 1,085 words

I'm pleased to be writing every day again. I'm super pleased at having been able to write Sam and Dean again, because I've missed them a lot and it's been like a long-distance relationship with us lately. Though I don't think that I've written anything particularly incendiary, I'm fairly well pleased with what I have written: pleased that I expressed the idea, that I found the words, that the words mostly say what I want them to. And I'm trying very hard to focus on that.

At the same time, it's hard not to compare now to then. And it's hard not to look at these few words and remember when I could write two thousand or more in a day. I'm not focusing on it, but the comparision is there, lurking. Another problem I'm finding is that La Muse seems to be thinking/concluding that his work is done once the writing exercise is done, so, although I've been poking at the stubborn knot of AKB 50, I haven't done much beyond the writing exercise each day.

So starting Monday, I think I'm going to try and do at least two timed sessions a day, see if I can gradually up my ante the way I did before; ease myself into producing more words a day. Basically just see how it all goes.

Another thing I'm trying to work on is giving myself more time to read. I used to be a rather insanely voracious reader, but in recent years, I've been reading less and less. There are lots of reasons for this: fewer books that actually interest and engage me, less time, the gnawing worry that I should be spending this time on my own writing instead... While I was sick, the act of reading was actually painful, making my eyes and head ache, which was a big further deterrent and I got into a habit of just not reading. But I miss it. Being a reader is so much a part of my self-identity, even when I'm not ACTUALLY or actively reading. I don't want to give that up. So I got myself a library card for the first time in more than fifteen years and borrowed some books and I'm allowing myself to sit and read and in blocks of time longer than that of a commercial break or while standing in line at the grocery store.

There's a lot that I'm angry about, because of the cancer. I resent how completely my life is broken into a before and after; the things I used to do and the things I can never do again. So many small, stupid things to relearn. At the same time, there's an opportunity in there; the ability to choose how to rebuild myself, perhaps, in a more conscious way than the first time around. The ability to decide whether I still want to be self-defined in these same ways or whether I want to seek out new ones.

And now I have the intro to the Six Million Dollar Man playing in my head.

I really feel like I've been failing at things lately. At juggling. I feel like I've only had the energy to expend energy in one direction, most of which hasn't been directions I'd probably prefer.

I'm kind of at a lull point now; an eye before the second storm wall of actually GETTING married, and I'm struggling to catch up with all my media. Of course, by the time I've caught up with things or I find a moment to write about it, the world and the internet and even my brain have moved on.

I haven't been writing very much and when I have, I've been pretty rubbish at keeping track of my word counts, which is problematic for my findyourwords goals. I'm looking to change that, starting today. I only wish that restarting La Muse was as simple. I'm at the 'want to make words/have no words' stage. Which feels like a place I am, all too often, lately.

I've spent the last few days rereading what I have of Appetite. For a while, I couldn't even do that, so it's an improvement, but now I'm feeling like--though I love the story and I feel good about it again--I don't know if I can find my way IN to the story again. It's like there's a closed door between me and it and I've lost my key. I keep hoping someone on the other side will let me in, though, because I really, deeply do LOVE this story.

February's Round-Up:

Always (Black Donnellys, Kevin/Tommy)

A Kept Boy 42|43 (RPS, Jeff/Jensen)


*sighs* Whatever. I moved that month. I'm going to pretend, at least, that I don't wish desperately that I'd been more productive. La, la, la...

I've obviously gotten very behind with birthdays:

Happy belated birthdays to indigo_blind, , sophie_448, sizequeen, kvanti, ifyouweremine, andraste_luna, tjournal (T!), lovelyhera, latte_vanilla, dragynville, daybright, taltos, and jenshih_blue. I'm sorry I wasn't around to wish you well on the day. I hope you know that my good wishes are always there.

I'm also very behind in thanking people for the kind things they do for me. Thank you to all the people who said such lovely things about me in svmadelyn's Valentine's Day meme. Moving across the country has been very stressful and I'm feeling less than a Pretty Pretty Princess and it was really nice.

I feel like I want to talk about so much. My RL is still pretty chaotic, even though we've landed in Maryland and I'm still feeling a bit untethered from people and things and time. We don't have a routine down yet. I couldn't do much writing on the push east--traveling always is kind of a downer for my creativity and I was pretty exhausted much of the time--but I was thinking about my writing so much. A Kept Boy, to be sure, because it's never far from my thoughts these days, but also Appetite and Flesh and Blood and Circle Jerk, the continuation of my Circle stories (One of Us Who Wants to Leave & Here We Make Our Stand), which is hopefully going to be my story for 's Anybody But J2 ficathon. If I get it finished in time. Which...I dunno. The scope of this thing is looking sort of huge from this angle.

( More on that crazy writing thing. )

Now, if we could just get settled, maybe I could coax La Muse to help me get some (or all!) of this writing done.

Daily Count: 2,645
Weekly Count: 10,039
YTD: 45,544

Always (Black Donnellys): 2,170 words. Finished and off for beta. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel like I had a better grasp on TBD's 'voice' before, when I was in the flush of first love, but now, I don't hear their voices as naturally as I used to and I fear it shows in the work. The other "issue" (which isn't really for anyone other than me) is that I have this very long, fairly dark TBD story in my mind that I don't have time or sufficient inclination to write, but then I write things like this and I can't help but poking around the edges of it. Oh, Donnellys, I wish I could quit you.

I Have Seen: 1,560 words. Update on the movies I've seen lately. I love movies.

I feel like I should have so much more to say, but I just...don't. I need to get started on the two ficathon-like things I need to get done before we leave. Let's see if I can scrape up some motivation.

Happy Birthday, kittyfisher!

Daily Count: 219
Weekly Count: 6,309
YTD: 41,814

Always (Black Donnellys): 219 words. I looked through some of the prompts at oxoniensis's Porn Battle and this was the first (and largely only) prompt that caught my eye, but as my pron is still broken (or at least severely bent) I didn't write anything in time. I didn't really know what I wanted to write last night, but I didn't want to write nothing, so I took a brief at-bat with it. The problem is that, in my mind, this takes place at least 5 years ahead of where the timeline left off and I don't have all the details filled in. Which only goes to show how I complicate my own life. *laughs* I don't know if I'll end up doing anything with this or whether it will languish.

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Movies:

15. Hitch.
( blurb )
Another old(er) movie that I forgot I watched with The Fiance in January. It was a cute film, but I think the thing that amused me the most about it was it's struggle to stay on the 'right' side of the moral line, regarding manipulating women.

16. The Outlaw Josey Wales.
( blurb )
Like a lot of movies from this time period, I feel like the narrative was meandering and loose; if it were remade now (blasphemy!), I bet it would be cut down to an hour and a half, at best. Still, I enjoyed it and I kind of want to find (or write) fanfic about Little Moonlight, the Navajo woman.

17. Babylon A.D.
( blurb )
I'd already heard that this was a crap movie, and so I went into it with pretty low expectations. ( spoilers ) In any case, I don't think this is even "cult" bad. It's just bad.

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Television:

Being Human: Watched the second episode. Still don't like the new people (now less than ever!) and feeling strangely ambivalent about George. I should just quit, right? *sighs* Sometimes masochism is not a fun, sexy trait.

Big Love: Continues to be made of win and happiness. I keep wanting to write about this show and never quite get there.

United States of Tara: I find myself fascinated by the show on its own merits, but I also find myself fascinated by Diablo Cody's viewpoint on families. On the one hand, I think they show a level of dysfunction that's closer to my family dynamic than most mass media, but OTOH, there's a level of casualness that never would fly in my Black Seventh-Day Adventist family or my Irish/German Catholic family.

Friday Night Lights: I wish so much that everyone was watching this show. I know that football is a huge turn-off for a lot of fen, but the show is about so much more than that and the writing, acting and relationships are so incredibly phenomenal.

Leverage: I agree with shotofjack that episodically, none of the eps have matched the elegance of the original, but the characters and their dynamics give me so much pleasure that I can't care much.

BSG: This is at the Joss Whedon/Serenity stage where you realize that anything can happen and anyone can die, because it's THE END and it's taken a show that was already engrossing to absolutely electrifying.

Writing:

Daily Count: 2,776
Weekly Count: 3,907
YTD: 39,412

Outtake 5: Samantha: 2,167 words. This goes into the long list of things I wasn't planning to write, but once I started thinking about how Sam comes into the Morgan household, the idea wouldn't let go.

The Houseboy (review): 609 words.

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Movies:

12. Ten Inch Hero.
Ten Inch Hero revolves around a group of friends working at a sandwich shop in Santa Cruz: Piper (Elisabeth Harnois), Jen (Clea DuVall), Tish (Daneel Harris), and Priestly (Jensen Ackles). The shop is owned by aging hippie surfer Trucker (John Doe), who is in love with Zo (Alice Krige), the manager of the crystal shop across the street.
Ha! I totally forgot that I finally sat down and watched that this month. At this point, I think that everyone's done and seen their reviews of this, but I think I have a longer post in me that I'd like to make about it. But long story short: I enjoyed it, but I'm not 100% sure how I feel about it, if that makes sense.

13. 1408
No one can explain the strange goings-on in room 1408 of the Dolphin Hotel. In this thriller based on a Stephen King story, writer and paranormal debunker Mike Enslin (John Cusack) is determined to demystify the ghostly events, even though a hotel clerk (Samuel L. Jackson) begs him to rethink his plans. Mike needs to write another book soon, and room 1408 may be his ticket to the top of the best-seller list. But will he survive even one night?
There's nothing particularly new or exceptionally interesting about this movie (other than the fact that John Cusack and Samuel L. are always interesting), but sometimes you just want a good ghost story. This is like my comfort food.

14. Taken.
While vacationing with a friend in Paris, an American girl (Maggie Grace) is kidnapped by a gang of human traffickers intent on selling her into forced prostitution. Now, her father, Bryan (Liam Neeson), a former soldier, must pull out all the stops to save her. But with his best years possibly behind him, Bryan's task may be more than he can handle. Directed by Pierre Morel, this relentless action thriller also stars Famke Janssen.
I have to admit, my main motivation for seeing this was the visceral thrill I get in hearing Liam Neeson say (in that Liam Neeson voice) "...they're going to take you." *shivers* Ahem. The movie itself was pretty standard fare. ( minor spoilers )

Now I'm going to rewatch an old favorite: Jamie Lee-Curtis's Prom Night. I haven't seen this movie in ages. I think I'm having a horror movie renaissance.

Happy birthday tiffosis!!

Happy birthday, oxoniensis! You're one of the kindest, most giving people I've met in fandom or outside and I wish you nothing but the best, today and forever!

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Daily Count: 1,131
Weekly Count: 1,131
YTD: 36,636

Since I just posted AKB 41, it's pretty obvious what I've been working on, right? Unfortunately, it looks like that's all I'm going to get done today, since the dental surgery yesterday has left me ill and sore today. I think I'm just going to bed and snuggle with the cats and The Fiance.

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So I finally got off my butt and watched The Christmas Cottage. My email to shotofjack went something like the following:

1. Jared is very, very pretty.

2. This probably would have done much better if they'd billed it as a comedy instead of a SRS BZNS film.

3. I don't think Jared had to do a whole lot of acting for this.

Now that's not to say that Jared didn't give a good--even great--performance, given the material. I just don't think it was a stretch for him to play Thomas Kinkade. Especially since he's been used to making bricks from straw with some of the clunkier lines from SPN.

All that being said, I enjoyed the movie a lot more than I thought I would.

This makes movie number 11 for the year. Next up, The Houseboy.

Happy birthday to seperis, hilarious dispenser of such gems as: "Hi, I am anal and delicious is my crack"... I hope it is a marvelous, happy day!


(Combined) Daily Count: 6,782
Weekly Count: 8,881
YTD: 34,886

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January 26

AKB 41: 662 words.

Being Human review: 1,613 words.

Fandom Navel Gazing: 864 words.

January 27:

100 movies: 1,229 words.

AKB 41: 42 words.

Beyond Trans 101: 723 words.

Feet of Clay: 326 words.

My Eyes Can See Only You (Donald Strachey meta): 1,323 words.

What can be concluded from all this: I seem to have a lot to say but not much of it is going into actual FICTION. Also, my porn is not only broken, it's SHATTERED. *weeps*

What pleases me: superstitiousme has recorded the first five chapters of A Kept Boy as a podfic! Get yours here! Much love to superstitiousme for taking on this huge task (she will be recording the entire story), bloodquartz for adapting her beautiful banner to be used as album art and general_jinjur for hosting the file.

Happy belated birthday uknoit863 and crimsonsenya! Happy birthday extraonions and kittyzams!

It's been a relatively eventful weekend for my Real Life and not so eventful for my writing life. Thank you mickeym and anonymouse for my lovely v-gifts! I'm sorry I didn't thank you sooner.

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I was thinking about my last post, regarding the Donald Strachey Mystery, Ice Blues. ( Spoilers for On The Other Hand, Death. )

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Daily Count (summed): 2099
Weekly Count: 2,099
YTD: 28,104

AKB 41: 565 words.

F&B: 101 words.

FUBU or Fubar (Ice Blues): 550 words.

On the Other Hand, Gay: 521 words.

Ugly Betty post of no name: 362 words. This might never get posted.

At this point, it's late enough that I'm just going to sum up both days:

January 20

Daily Count: 1,238
Weekly Count: 8,007
YTD: 24,268

AKB Outtake 4: 993 words. Done and posted. I'm a little shaky on the prose, but I'm satisfied with how it turned out and the feedback on it is just what I was hoping for.

AKB Outline: 198 words. Thinking about how to close the main arc. There's still so much stuff that I want to fit in there and I'm torn between feeling like I need to bring it down RIGHT NOW and the recognition that I have as much time to bring it down as it requires. I'm not in LOST territory yet. *g*

Appetite: 47 words. Mostly tinkering with existing prose.

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January 21

Daily Count: 1,737
Weekly Count: 9,744
YTD: 26,005

AKB 40: 1,025 words. This chapter is kind of pivotal, both for getting to "THE" scene that I want to write and for getting Jensen and Jeff that next step forward. Of course, in the middle of this, I have a thought about something I want to throw in for lagniappe, for no reason at all, just because I think it'll be a swank idea. Argh. Okay, Kink, I get it! You're home. Now could you unpack the porn, please? We're about to need it.

Watch Your Tongue (essay): 712 words. I don't know if I'm going to post this anywhere. I wrote it in a sense of frustration and I don't know whether it's worth putting it out there for public or semi-public consumption. I got it out of my system, which was the most important part.

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Happy belated birthday to mossylawn! I'm so sorry it's late, but my good wishes are heartfelt!

Happy birthday to aesvir (who is off having a wonderful time already by the sound of it) and my very, very beloved idyll, who has brought me incredible happiness in so many ways. I hope it is the very best of days for you both!

Daily Count: 460
Weekly Count: 6,769
YTD: 23,030

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AKB 39: Completed and posted. Haven't started 40 yet, though the voices are knocking at the doors. I'm reshuffling some of what is/was supposed to be happening--for selfish reasons; I just want to get to a certain scene sooner than I'd planned and I think I can open the door to that if I move things around into a different order. I also feel like I need to bring a better eye to bringing this arc down. I don't think I'm done with Jeff/Jensen or this universe by any means, but I do feel really strongly that a single arc can only go on so long before it becomes flabby and overindulgent (MORE overindulgent?). I know where/how I wanted the arc to end, but I need to evaluate whether I've given it enough build-up or whether I still need to build the ramp up to it.

AKB Outtake: 414 words. I don't want to talk too much about this one; I kind of want it to be a surprise. It's not an outtake I was planning on writing.

F&B: 46 words. Mostly shuffling around the stuff that was already there.

I was rather spectacularly unmotivated to write yesterday. I slept late and heavily again, trying to throw off the last of this cold and The Fiance was home sick...which means I always get much less done.

I want to see if I can finish the outtake today and then poke at F&B or Appetite (or both) and see if I can eke a few more words from them. I also need to consult the Muse's Auxiliary League to see if my scene shuffles for AKB work.

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What pleases me: It's not what I normally put here, but today, what most pleases me is President Barack Obama. I'm sure you understand.

Distractions: merepersiflage is giving me a sneak peek at her latest opus; I have to make sure that I don't get so lost in her prose that I forget to write some of my own.

Daily Count: 2,636
Weekly Count: 5,264
YTD: 21,525

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AKB 39: 577 words. This feels good, especially after yesterday's meltdown on F&B. I'm not sure how I feel about WHAT I've written, but it feels good to have made progress.

F&B: 112 words. Well. After a crying jag, many pets and encouragement from my good friends, and some heavy thinking, I feel better. I think what's in my best interest (and possibly the story's best interest) is to not worry about writing it for this submission call. I don't think the story is a good fit for what the publisher was looking for and I like this story and these characters enough that I don't want to do what it would take to better tailor it for their specifications. So. I think I'm just going to write this and see if I can make it go on its own merits. I'm of two minds whether I want to dump the vamp angle or not. Where did my vamp mojo go?

Jensen Has My Heart (MBV review): 1,947 words.

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What pleases me: Jensen snorts, finally setting the can of pink, over-caffeinated sugar on the table. There aren't any coasters—and the table bears witness to the fact that no one uses them—but he sets his can on top of a torn and well doodled scrap of paper that proclaims: CHAD IS THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE ALL DOUCHES. "Of course I do. He's my master. We're supposed to love him."

Distractions: Well, illness and sleeping for thirteen hours of the day have really put me behind the eight ball. I also have premieres coming up tonight: Big Love, The L Word, The United States of Tara and S2 of Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Given all that--and my relative level of heart-sickness and anger about the devolving ugliness of the discussions of cultural appropriation--I don't know how much I'm going to get done today. Maybe I'll just go and hide in AKB for a while. Who knows?

Happy birthday, raeyashi! Much joy and happiness to you!

Daily Count: 2,731
Weekly Count: 2,731
YTD: 18,992

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AKB 39: 103 words. Nothing new here, plod, plod, plod.

Created Marriage (meta): 628 words. This can wait for anytime. Which it may have to.

F&B: 2000 words. I'm having kind of a crisis about this. I'm four thousand words into it and I'm realizing that the pacing is off and that it's not meeting the submission criteria, an opinion I've had reaffirmed by shotofjack, who has great instincts for these things.

In the normal run of things, that would be simply a call to retrench the story. And...maybe it still is. But between my sluggish muse and the rapidly approaching due date I don't know if I have the time to completely rip the story apart and reassemble it from the pieces. I'm at a loss for the how to even do that. And I'm frustrated and about ten seconds from saying fuck it.

I'm so angry with myself and I'm so angry about my inability to get this right and I'm not even sure I want to rip the story apart, at this point. I feel like I don't know what I'm going to end up with and that I may not like whatever it is. I feel like I shouldn't have even tried to write a vampire story, given my disillusioned/conflicted/irritated feelings about vampires and vampire stories at this point in time. And I feel like I just wasted four days of my life for something that's a failure.

ARGH. ARGH. ARGH.

Daily Total: 2,161
Weekly Total: 9,214
YTD: 16,261

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Unforgiveable (meta): 1,161 words. I don't feel like I said all the things I wanted to say with this essay and I don't feel like I was entirely coherent about the things I did say, but I hadn't written anything for F&B and so, I was in a hurry. It got it out of my system, which I guess was my end goal.

F&B (original fic thing): 1,000 words. The words aren't coming as easily as I'd like, but they are coming and I'm already really in love with these characters and I am really happy with what I've written so far.

I want to write an essay about...well, it's primarily about Friday Night Lights and how EVERYONE needs to watch this show this season because it's unbelievably awesome, but I also want to talk about (possibly in a separate post) about "how shows can do things right". I think that when shows introduce new characters, there's often a collective groaning from fandom and a kind of pre-prejudice against them (which is based on experience and history, don't get me wrong). But I think that FNL handled that dilemma with remarkable subtlety and grace in a manner that other shows could stand to emulate. I also think that people could take a cue from FNL on the way to write lasting relationships and still keep them interesting.

I also wanted to reference Criminal Minds, which does some fairly subtle but subversive things--and without external, neon-flashing commentary. There's so much TV that's just rehashing the same stories and the same tropes--and doing it in the exact same ways and it BORES ME. Lately I've been realizing that the TV landscape is kind of a war between people who want things to remain the same as they've always been and people who want their media to change and grow.

I get tired of the same old thing. That's not to say that I won't come back to my comfort "foods" now and again when I'm in a mood, but for the most part, I want things to develop and grow and sometimes that means moving on and I get so frustrated with show runners who think that we're too stupid or whatever to realize that we've SEEN this story before. Ahem. I'm going to cut myself off here, before I actually start writing that essay for real.

Anyway, I've got to get at least 1000 words of F&B done today--presumably before I head off to dinner & a movie with shotofjack (MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D, YO!). We'll see how much I get done today.

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Excellent link round up about the Cultural Appropriation discussion going on in the blogosphere right now.

Happy and Most Wonderful birthday felicitations to crazyjoyfulgirl, who lives up to her name in all the best ways and heidi8, who brings great joy to my flist.

Daily Count: 1,095
Weekly Count: 7,053
YTD: 14,100

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Flesh and Blood: 1,095 words. New, original thing; the one I'm writing for the submission call. It feels good so far, if still a little slow. Even so, if I write a thousand words a day over the next 10 (well, now 9), that still gives me a week to edit and get it in. That feels doable. We shall see how I fare.

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Happy birthday to my beloved sweptawaybayou, who I fangirled before I knew and fangirl MORE now that I know her. Happy, happy, HAPPY birthday, Snow!

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I Didn't Dream of Dragons by deepad

There's been a lot of discussion of Writing the Other in fannish circles lately; I really liked--and agreed with--what deepad had to say here:

One of the most frustrating arguments I’ve encountered is—If you hate it so much, stop bitching and write your own.

This naive position stems from the utopian capitalist belief that all markets are equal, and individuals are free to be what they can driven only by their inner divine spark.

and

When I was in class 7, our English teacher gave us the rare creative writing assignment, and three of my classmates wrote adventure stories about characters named Julian and Peggy and Tom. Do not tell me that this cultural fracture does not affect the odds required to produce enough healthy imaginations that can chrysalis into writers. When we call ourselves Oreos or Coconuts or Bananas (Black/Brown/Yellow on the outside, White on the inside)—understand the ruptures and bafflement that accompanies our consumption of your media while we resent and critique it.

and

It is not an equal playing field. This is like assuming that the one runner in India who perseveres in the face of poverty and institutional neglect and governmental lack-of-infrastructure will by virtue of her drive and passion be as good as the team of runners culled from the tens of thousands of children sent to athletic training camps in China for the express purpose of creating Olympic medallists.

Daily Count: 1,185
Weekly Count: 5,958
YTD: 13,005

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I'm trying not to freak out about my getyourwordsout quota; thirteen days in and I've only hit quota twice. That's not a great feeling. But it's only January. I have ample time to recover myself and it's too early to freak out. That never stops me from freaking out, you understand, but I can at least recognize that it's irrational.

And I can focus on the positives. I've written every day. I've made progress every day. I am thankful for those words, even when I complain about them.

AKB: Why RPS?: 1,087 words.

AKB 39: 98 words.

Nothing much to say about either of these. It's interesting; there's been a few conversations on my flist about the recent proliferation of word count communities. Each of the conversations has it's own line of thought and focus and so it's hard to sum them up collectively, but one thing I have noticed among the queries is the idea that writing to a word count is bad.

I'm not really ready to argue that one way or another; I think there are people that method works for and people it doesn't and it's personal equivalency. But I was a lot more interested in the underlying assumption that tracking one's word count equals writing to one's word count. And I don't think that they do. Very obviously so, in my case.

I mean, if I were that chuffed about making my word count each day, regardless of quality of output...I'd be making my word count each day. I'm sure I can come up with 1300 words a day, but I haven't been. Because writing words that I feel are "good" words is very difficult for me right now. And so I have to press on to my muse's beat and not the metronome of my word count, trusting that--when La Muse is re-inspired--the words will flow and from that flow will come the kind of output I need to make up the ground I'm not covering now.

I dunno; that was just my writerly thought for the day.

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What pleases me: "And, of course, Kane is the final word around here." Jensen gets the words out pretty blandly, but he can feel the hot, squirming knot of them in his chest.

Distractions: The ongoing saga of my laptop, which is still not resolved and doesn't appear to be getting resolved any time soon. The new knitting pattern I acquired for my mother that is now calling my name, siren-like. If I'm going to make a sweater, I should finish the one languishing in my closet, darn it. And I don't have time for that, either!

Happy birthday to sephy1968, slytherinblack and teffy! Fat times and fancy flavors!

Daily Count: 820
Weekly Count: 4,773
YTD: 11,820

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Last Kings of Sateda: 820 words. Not much to say about it, other than "it's progress".

It's a little frustrating to fight for fictional words so hard and have non-fictional meta posts more or less flow from my fingertips. I recognize this is a perceptual problem; the non-fiction is as legitimate use of my voice as fiction. But I have a hard time counting it to myself. I don't know why. I struggle with that.

In any case, I'm probably going to try to put most of my other things aside to try and work on the submission I was talking about yesterday, since the deadline is really soon. I have an idea--or really, the adaptation of a previous idea--and I think I can get it done in time...if I can find the words to write anything at all. That didn't go so well today. But I already have character names and a title, which are often the hardest parts for me.

Happy birthday cpwatcher & random_serious!

My sincerest gratitude to whoever nominated A Kept Boy for the the forbiddenawards.

And holy crap! I just found out that I won some awards for the Die Hard category in the forsaken_fandom awards! Best Epic and Best Drama for Save As and Best Use of a Secondary Character for Technobabble! OMG! Thanks, y'all!

Daily Count: 790
Weekly Count: 3,953
YTD: 11,000

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The Last Kings of Sateda: 479 words. It's funny, I felt like I was actually accomplishing a decent amount on this yesterday and then I did the math and...*sighs* Not so much. Still, I'm at a point where I'm chalking any and all progress in the win comment. In a couple decades at this pace, I may have a story. *wry*

I'm not sure how I feel about what I've written. On the one hand, I'm writing about an established relationship (even if it's in the early flush of 'established') where these two people are dangerously, ridiculously in love...but neither one of them have acknowledged it yet. And from that viewpoint, I think it's fathomable that Dean would react this way at the prospect of it ending prematurely (especially since this IS his first love) but it's a fine line to walk between a natural-feeling hysteria and Shatner-esque scenery-chewing. I'm not totally sanguine that I stayed on the right side of the line and I'm not sure who to ask. I guess that, either way, Dean has to break that bad for the rest of the events of the story to follow, so it doesn't inhibit my ability to push on. I can catch the rest in the editing stage.

AKB 39: 135 words. Jensen's existential angst about doing something that is, more or less, for himself is making this slow-going. And, on the one hand, yay, Jensen! for doing something self-directed and self-interested. On the other hand...if you could quit freaking out long enough to help me make words, I'd be ever so happy. Kthxbai.

In My Brother's Keeping 3: 176 words. Nothing especially noteworthy here; it's mostly just tinkering and expanding on what I already wrote.

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What pleases me: Dean rushes over the words, slurring them in haste and the embarrassment that pinks his cheeks and ears and throat. Ronon knows that blush, has followed the quick-moving blood down the length of Dean's milk-pale torso to the rosy fullness of his cock, sweet and heavy on Ronon's tongue. "I don't care what it was supposed to be, I don't care…" Dean's breath and voice hitch raggedly.

Distractions: Today, it's mostly just my rotten mood. I don't feel great physically and, as a result, I don't feel great mentally. And, as a further consequence, that makes me less motivated to write anything.

Plans & Ruminations: merepersiflage gave me a suggestion for Appetite that I think I'll try to follow up on. Another friend emailed me about a submission call she's thinking of writing for; if it's not stepping on her coattails, I might see if I can take a run-up at that. I dunno. At my current output, that seems wildly over-optimistic, even assuming she doesn't mind. wrenlet is picspam-nudging me to finish that CM ficlet and I'll probably poke at one of the three above files some today. My scattershot approach, let me show you it.

Daily Count: 638
Weekly Count: 3,163
YTD: 10,210

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In My Brother's Keeping 3: 638 words. I've been struggling to frame this opening scene for so long and though I have four separate files, none of them feel quite right. On the other hand, 638 words I didn't have before. Fine. I'll take it.

Ironically, given the grudging progress of words, I upped my word count committment at findyourwords and signed up for inlovewithnight's One Night Stand challenge. My masochism clearly goes deep and is unfathomable.

Today I'm torn between poking at Appetite, AKB 39 or Last Kings of Sateda, since I'm already missing sGA like burning. *sighs* We'll see how any of that goes.

Distractions: Apparently, looking for knitting icons and smiting infidels on Knighted. And poking at the backlog of comments. Always that.

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findyourwords is still taking sign-ups through the end of January, so if were thinking about kicking that muse in gear and committing to a year long word count (minimum 35,000 words, which is less than a drabble a day), we'd be happy to have you!

asknosecrets is running a Virgins in Retrograde Challenge; multifandom, multi-pairing, any character.

telesilla is running the show_goes_on challenge for SGA post-series fic for non-McShep oriented fic and pairings. Posting starts next week and there are plenty of prompts still available.

inlovewithnight is running her Mess Up My Head, Mess Up My Bed Valentine's Day challenge. Multifandom (though initial request has to be in Buffyverse/SGA/SPN/BSG/GG/DS/Firefly), multi-pairing, etc.

phantisma (and others?) have opened comment_fic for all your comment smut needs. Multifandom, multi-pairing, multi-character.