The Secretary Will Disavow Any Knowledge

A Kept Boy by poisontaster. (CWRPS AU, primarily Jeffrey Dean Morgan/Jensen Ackles)
A Kept Boy is an RPS AU involving slavery, abuse (adult and child) in all forms (verbal, physical, mental), inequalities of power, and dark, adult concepts regarding same. At heart, it's a love story, but it goes through some bad, dark places to get there. Be warned, if any of these are not your cup of tea. This is in no way a true story. Other stories in this universe/vein can be found at whatwekeep. Banner by the generous and talented bloodquartz.

Started: July 10, 2008
Ended: < TBD >
Current completed chapters: 55
Current Word Count: 111,540

Cast of Characters

( Chapter listing & outtakes )

I made pot roast last night. I'm picking at the carcass today. You know you have made some damn fine beef if it tastes just as good COLD the next day. NOM NOM NOM.

Well, I did it. I signed up for yuletide. And though I was tempted to sign up for more fandoms and more characters (and there was some last minute switching around), I stuck to my plan. So that happened.

I had another woeful moment today when I saw an advert for a holiday exchange ficathon for a fandom that I'm tangentially interested in and realized that my pairing of choice is so wacky that it seems unfair to ask anyone to write it and, simultaenously, I have nearly zero interest in writing the preferred pairing(s) in the fandom. This pairing rare-pairs crap is hard, yo! Most of the time I don't care so much because I'm writing whatever makes me happy and so it doesn't matter what anyone else ships, but when I want to be all join-y and stuff, it's vexing. My heyoka nature in a nutshell. But, one less ficathon to tear my hair out about, right?

Tangential to THAT, I feel like there's enough interest that I'm going to go ahead with the JDM ficathon. I don't have any more details than "Yeah, let's do that!" but I figure I have all of December, at least, to figure that out. So...more news when I have it!

As you can see, I finished the AKB chapter. Wrote 1400+ words on that, once I hit my groove, which was kind of awesome. The problem with writing in existing files is that I never have any good grasp of how much I've written until I finish and do the math.

Didn't work on anything else, for obvious reasons. And I have yet to do any writing today, which is making me feel like the biggest slacker in the world. I'll have to rectify that posthaste.

I made pot roast last night. I'm picking at the carcass today. You know you have made some damn fine beef if it tastes just as good COLD the next day. NOM NOM NOM.

Well, I did it. I signed up for yuletide. And though I was tempted to sign up for more fandoms and more characters (and there was some last minute switching around), I stuck to my plan. So that happened.

I had another woeful moment today when I saw an advert for a holiday exchange ficathon for a fandom that I'm tangentially interested in and realized that my pairing of choice is so wacky that it seems unfair to ask anyone to write it and, simultaenously, I have nearly zero interest in writing the preferred pairing(s) in the fandom. This pairing rare-pairs crap is hard, yo! Most of the time I don't care so much because I'm writing whatever makes me happy and so it doesn't matter what anyone else ships, but when I want to be all join-y and stuff, it's vexing. My heyoka nature in a nutshell. But, one less ficathon to tear my hair out about, right?

Tangential to THAT, I feel like there's enough interest that I'm going to go ahead with the JDM ficathon. I don't have any more details than "Yeah, let's do that!" but I figure I have all of December, at least, to figure that out. So...more news when I have it!

As you can see, I finished the AKB chapter. Wrote 1400+ words on that, once I hit my groove, which was kind of awesome. The problem with writing in existing files is that I never have any good grasp of how much I've written until I finish and do the math.

Didn't work on anything else, for obvious reasons. And I have yet to do any writing today, which is making me feel like the biggest slacker in the world. I'll have to rectify that posthaste.

Fandom: CWRPS
Pairing: Jeff/Jensen, Jared/Jensen
Rating: Adult
Warnings: Slavefic AU. Sexual, mental and physical abuse of adults and minors. Dark themes, adult concepts and language.
Disclaimer: This is in no way a true story.
Word Count: 3,125
AN: Master list of previous chapters found here. Cast of characters can be found here. Banner by the lovely and generous bloodquartz. Podfic version read by the amazing superstitiousme (found here, courtesy of the very kind general_jinjur). And don't forget the other really awesome stories to be found at whatwekeep.

---

( I don't know how many more shocks I can take today. )

So, sometimes I go and read my "stories no one will write for me" tag, to amuse (or inspire) myself with the things I've come up with. And I didn't even remember this one, but it caught my eye today:

Okay, so I don't know about this one, it's PURE CRACK. But. I want someone (not me!) to write the To Wong Foo-esque story where Steve Carlson and Chris Kane are the diva drag queens that take little Jensen Ackles under their wing and try to teach him to be fabulous. Steve could be Patrick Swayze's Vida and Chris could be Wesley Snipes' Noxeema. And Jared could be Bobby-Ray, the straight boy that falls in love with Chi-Chi Jensen. And either Chad or Rosenbaum could be Sheriff Dollard, haunted by the touch of Miss Vida's junk.

Except that, in keeping with my shifting interests, instead of Jared, I kind of want to make it Jeff, a grizzled widower who falls for the hopelessly crushing Jensen. Which would nicely combine with my desperate yearning for Drag-Torch-Singer!Jensen and Jeff, should I ever find the time and inclination to actually write this.

Still: happy place. *hums*

---

Trine snippet: 263 words
Trine is a story that I've wanted to write for a while and I have yet to figure out how to make all the pieces work. It came from a dream and making the logic work has proved surprisingly difficult. The basic premise is a married couple separately fall in love with the same guy (who reciprocates both their feelings) and, when they find out about each other's crush, they decide to try and make it work as a threesome. The snippet I wrote doesn't actually involve ANY of the main plotline; it was something atmospheric that had been plucking at my attention, but I'm not happy with how the snippet turned out. I may give it another try today. Still, I wrote it, the words exist. I didn't delete it all in a fit of pique. So that counts.

AKB 72: 707 words.
Well, for all my brow clutching about which scene would be next, one scene came to the front and has basically demanded to be told. I think I'm still going to write the other scene, but I've been waiting for this chapter for a LONG TIME NOW and I'm glad to finally be writing it, even if I'm not sure I'm hitting all the mood/atmosphere notes I want.

Nothing on Appetite, which is mildly vexing, but it was still on my mind for much of the day, even if I didn't put down the verbiage. I think I'm in a prewriting mode with that, trying to mentally feel out the scene before I put fingers to keyboard. Yesterday was a difficult day. A lot of RL stress on pretty much all fronts. I'm both pleased and surprised at how much writing I managed to get done, for all of that.

I'm not heavily into black teas other than chai anymore, but I have an ongoing fondness for Bigelow's Constant Comment, especially in the fall. I've looked at other orange pekoe teas and I've yet to find one that smells or tastes so sweetly delicious. I've been known to just sit and smell the teabags a while before steeping them, because I love the smell that much. *sips*

I've been extended on the job again, pretty much through the end of November. I'm choosing to take the high road with it--more money, staying close to my pals, knowing where I'll be at Thanksgiving--but I confess to a certain ongoing amusement that I've tried to quit this job twice and yet they still WILL NOT LET ME GO. I also sing Hotel California a lot.

Last night, The Husband and I got to see Cate Blanchett in Streetcar Named Desire, the combination of two of my favorite things. I don't even know what to say about it. Other than the ache in my knees that is the punishment for being tall and going to the theater, it was an absolutely perfect evening. It was one of those times when you forget where you are and you forget that you're watching something and you forget that these people are only pretending and you get entirely swept up in story. I'm no conoisseur by any means, but I am an avid fan of theater and to be able to see a favorite play put on live AND to be able to see a favorite actor perform it (AND to be there with The Husband, who'd never seen ANY version of Streetcar and didn't even know what it was about...)... It was magical. Absolutely magical. If all the performances weren't sold out, I would've absolutely gone again, later in the run. *sighs*

( On the writing front )

So I think I've decided that I'm NOT going to do prettylightsfic because while I think I could write RPF in other fandoms than SPN, I don't know those fandoms or actors as "intimately" as I know the SPN ones and I know me. I'll end up doing all this research to try and get it "right" and I just don't feel like investing that kind of work in fandoms I'm not nearly as interested in. And I just feel guilty only offering SPN fandom. Besides, 99% of the fandom is J2 and while I CAN write it, and I enjoy reading it, writing it doesn't turn my crank the way it used to. So why set myself up to write something I won't really enjoy?

OTOH, I'm wondering if there's enough of us, yet, who might be interested in a JDM ficathon. Not NOW, obviously; I'd probably want to wait until all the winter fests are past, but... Yeah. A JDM-centric ficathon. Het, slash...hell, I'd even take JDM gen. Just JDM and SOMEBODY. A human shaped person. Anybody maybe interested in that? Sometime in January, maybe?

I'm not heavily into black teas other than chai anymore, but I have an ongoing fondness for Bigelow's Constant Comment, especially in the fall. I've looked at other orange pekoe teas and I've yet to find one that smells or tastes so sweetly delicious. I've been known to just sit and smell the teabags a while before steeping them, because I love the smell that much. *sips*

I've been extended on the job again, pretty much through the end of November. I'm choosing to take the high road with it--more money, staying close to my pals, knowing where I'll be at Thanksgiving--but I confess to a certain ongoing amusement that I've tried to quit this job twice and yet they still WILL NOT LET ME GO. I also sing Hotel California a lot.

Last night, The Husband and I got to see Cate Blanchett in Streetcar Named Desire, the combination of two of my favorite things. I don't even know what to say about it. Other than the ache in my knees that is the punishment for being tall and going to the theater, it was an absolutely perfect evening. It was one of those times when you forget where you are and you forget that you're watching something and you forget that these people are only pretending and you get entirely swept up in story. I'm no conoisseur by any means, but I am an avid fan of theater and to be able to see a favorite play put on live AND to be able to see a favorite actor perform it (AND to be there with The Husband, who'd never seen ANY version of Streetcar and didn't even know what it was about...)... It was magical. Absolutely magical. If all the performances weren't sold out, I would've absolutely gone again, later in the run. *sighs*

( On the writing front )

So I think I've decided that I'm NOT going to do prettylightsfic because while I think I could write RPF in other fandoms than SPN, I don't know those fandoms or actors as "intimately" as I know the SPN ones and I know me. I'll end up doing all this research to try and get it "right" and I just don't feel like investing that kind of work in fandoms I'm not nearly as interested in. And I just feel guilty only offering SPN fandom. Besides, 99% of the fandom is J2 and while I CAN write it, and I enjoy reading it, writing it doesn't turn my crank the way it used to. So why set myself up to write something I won't really enjoy?

OTOH, I'm wondering if there's enough of us, yet, who might be interested in a JDM ficathon. Not NOW, obviously; I'd probably want to wait until all the winter fests are past, but... Yeah. A JDM-centric ficathon. Het, slash...hell, I'd even take JDM gen. Just JDM and SOMEBODY. A human shaped person. Anybody maybe interested in that? Sometime in January, maybe?

I have a very specific way that I lose track of time. I obsessively count down minutes until about five minutes until my deadline. Then I blank out and don't regain any consciousness of "Hey, weren't you waiting for something?" until about 6-10 minutes after my deadline. It's kind of amazing. *sighs*

It's not everything, but it's a lot: How Defying Gravity Would Have Progressed, Straight From the Creator. It's not quite a Firefly hurt, that DG didn't make it, but it's pretty close. It's rare that I take such deep pleasure in a show, so quickly...but it's usually a pretty good sign that the show is DOOMED. I'm like TVphoid Mary.

I'm too tired to do either of these stories justice, but.

I had the great privilege of beta-reading darkrosetiger & telesilla's More Than One Answer; an AU of their Keptverse AU. As much as I love Question of Compromise (and it's attendant stories), I have to confess I've been wanting them to write this AU since nearly the start, give Dylan and Joe their chance to get it right, just once. Misc. Actor RPF: Dylan Neal/Joe Flanigan, Dylan Neal/Chris Pine, Dylan Neal/Joe Flanigan/Chris Pine. Slight familiarity is recommended, but it stands pretty well alone. (Link leads to Dreamwidth) ♥

I have yet to even comment on this story, but reading it was a great pleasure and I feel like I'd be terribly remiss if I didn't recommend Shameless by helen78. It's 98K+, and I read it over the weekend. If that's not a sterling recommendation, I don't know what is. Also Misc. Actor RPF with many pairings, so I'm just going to name off the main players and you can go see all the permutations: Christian Bale, Sean Bean, William Fichtner; minor roles by Viggo Mortensen (who kind of became my favorite, omg), David Wenham, Karl Urban and Wentworth Miller. Slave fic, BDSM fic, with an interesting take on the slave angle and some truly awesome kink. I really want everyone to read this just so I have people to talk about it with; it hits some really great narrative kinks right along with the kink kink. (Link goes to Dreamwidth)

Only a few hours left to sign up for mini_nanowrimo, if you're going to do it.

I've got 1400+ new words on Appetite in the last couple days. Nothing new on AKB yet, but it's in there, percolating. Definitely leaning toward yuletide (down to 11 fandoms; one was disqualified!) and considering prettylights, though I don't know if they'll be able to find me someone willing to write JDM. We are a mighty minority. *muses*

Okay. Losing functionality. Off to bed!

I have a very specific way that I lose track of time. I obsessively count down minutes until about five minutes until my deadline. Then I blank out and don't regain any consciousness of "Hey, weren't you waiting for something?" until about 6-10 minutes after my deadline. It's kind of amazing. *sighs*

It's not everything, but it's a lot: How Defying Gravity Would Have Progressed, Straight From the Creator. It's not quite a Firefly hurt, that DG didn't make it, but it's pretty close. It's rare that I take such deep pleasure in a show, so quickly...but it's usually a pretty good sign that the show is DOOMED. I'm like TVphoid Mary.

I'm too tired to do either of these stories justice, but.

I had the great privilege of beta-reading darkrosetiger & telesilla's More Than One Answer; an AU of their Keptverse AU. As much as I love Question of Compromise (and it's attendant stories), I have to confess I've been wanting them to write this AU since nearly the start, give Dylan and Joe their chance to get it right, just once. Misc. Actor RPF: Dylan Neal/Joe Flanigan, Dylan Neal/Chris Pine, Dylan Neal/Joe Flanigan/Chris Pine. Slight familiarity is recommended, but it stands pretty well alone. (Link leads to Dreamwidth) ♥

I have yet to even comment on this story, but reading it was a great pleasure and I feel like I'd be terribly remiss if I didn't recommend Shameless by helen78. It's 98K+, and I read it over the weekend. If that's not a sterling recommendation, I don't know what is. Also Misc. Actor RPF with many pairings, so I'm just going to name off the main players and you can go see all the permutations: Christian Bale, Sean Bean, William Fichtner; minor roles by Viggo Mortensen (who kind of became my favorite, omg), David Wenham, Karl Urban and Wentworth Miller. Slave fic, BDSM fic, with an interesting take on the slave angle and some truly awesome kink. I really want everyone to read this just so I have people to talk about it with; it hits some really great narrative kinks right along with the kink kink. (Link goes to Dreamwidth)

Only a few hours left to sign up for mini_nanowrimo, if you're going to do it.

I've got 1400+ new words on Appetite in the last couple days. Nothing new on AKB yet, but it's in there, percolating. Definitely leaning toward yuletide (down to 11 fandoms; one was disqualified!) and considering prettylights, though I don't know if they'll be able to find me someone willing to write JDM. We are a mighty minority. *muses*

Okay. Losing functionality. Off to bed!

Fandom: CWRPS
Pairing: Jeff/Jensen, Jared/Jensen
Rating: Adult
Warnings: Slavefic AU. Sexual, mental and physical abuse of adults and minors. Dark themes, adult concepts and language.
Disclaimer: This is in no way a true story.
Word Count: 2,800
AN: Master list of previous chapters found here. Cast of characters can be found here. Banner by the lovely and generous bloodquartz. Podfic version read by the amazing superstitiousme (found here, courtesy of the very kind general_jinjur). And don't forget the other really awesome stories to be found at whatwekeep.

---

( You need to feel something for them and you need to call what you feel love because you're too scared to hate them. )

Flipping through the Yuletide fandom nominations and I came across RPF-Curb Your Enthusiasm. Um. Isn't Curb pretty much RPF already??

Also, The Sims? Really? I mean...okay, I LOVE my Sims. I really do. But I'm a little puzzled how that would work as SOMEONE ELSE writing a Sims story for me or what shape that would take. I suppose it's limited to the prefab characters, like the Brokes or the Goths, etc. I don't expect much of anyone would be interested in my story about how Jimmy Phoenix stalked and won the adopted son of Jensen and Jared, though. At least before I change all the names. :)

I'm still on the fence about whether I want to do Yuletide or not, though I think I pinpointed my problem from last year. I think that last year, I volunteered for a lot of fandoms because I'm familiar enough with them that I think I COULD write fic and I don't think I spent nearly enough time considering whether I want to write or receive fic from that fandom. Which is one of those things that seems so simple and obvious in retrospect, but I have a bad habit of wanting to be able to write all things for all people, whether it's something I'll actually enjoy or even want to do, or not.

IF I sign up for Yuletide this year, I'm definitely going to be really, incredibly restrictive about what fandoms I sign up for.

Another thing that I don't think enough about, imo, is what fandoms I really WANT/NEED stories from. There are a lot of media that I'm fannish about in the sense that it excites me and I love it...but that I don't feel any particular need to find or write fanfic about it. The media itself is enough. So I also need to think about that, rather than just, "Ooh! That movie/show/book is SHINY!"

Which is much more difficult than it sounds.

Anyway, I've got it down to a maximum of 12 fandoms and I'll probably cut it even more from there. If I decide to sign up. *headdesks*

AKB 71: 1083 words. So I wrapped up what I wanted to do with the chapter less than a thousand words in. I wanted to stretch it, but they were not cooperative. Quelle surprise Which left me at a bit of an impasse, but I think I can see my way through it. It's actually an opportunity to write something that I've been wanting to include for a while now. So there's that.

I think I've probably only written another sentence on Appetite, which is discouraging but not unexpected. Is it stage fright? They're more than willing to talk to me when I'm nowhere near the computer, but as soon as I open the file, they clam up. So typical. As of November 1, however, I have no more excuses. 500 words a day, hell or high water.

I wrote a few hundred words of incredibly indulgent AKB road trip fic. Friday was aggravating in a number of ways and I needed something that decadently indulgent. Didn't get very far, though, but I'm sure I'll go back to it. It amuses me too much not to and I'm sure nilchance & beanside will enable, as they always do.

So, that happened.

Flipping through the Yuletide fandom nominations and I came across RPF-Curb Your Enthusiasm. Um. Isn't Curb pretty much RPF already??

Also, The Sims? Really? I mean...okay, I LOVE my Sims. I really do. But I'm a little puzzled how that would work as SOMEONE ELSE writing a Sims story for me or what shape that would take. I suppose it's limited to the prefab characters, like the Brokes or the Goths, etc. I don't expect much of anyone would be interested in my story about how Jimmy Phoenix stalked and won the adopted son of Jensen and Jared, though. At least before I change all the names. :)

I'm still on the fence about whether I want to do Yuletide or not, though I think I pinpointed my problem from last year. I think that last year, I volunteered for a lot of fandoms because I'm familiar enough with them that I think I COULD write fic and I don't think I spent nearly enough time considering whether I want to write or receive fic from that fandom. Which is one of those things that seems so simple and obvious in retrospect, but I have a bad habit of wanting to be able to write all things for all people, whether it's something I'll actually enjoy or even want to do, or not.

IF I sign up for Yuletide this year, I'm definitely going to be really, incredibly restrictive about what fandoms I sign up for.

Another thing that I don't think enough about, imo, is what fandoms I really WANT/NEED stories from. There are a lot of media that I'm fannish about in the sense that it excites me and I love it...but that I don't feel any particular need to find or write fanfic about it. The media itself is enough. So I also need to think about that, rather than just, "Ooh! That movie/show/book is SHINY!"

Which is much more difficult than it sounds.

Anyway, I've got it down to a maximum of 12 fandoms and I'll probably cut it even more from there. If I decide to sign up. *headdesks*

AKB 71: 1083 words. So I wrapped up what I wanted to do with the chapter less than a thousand words in. I wanted to stretch it, but they were not cooperative. Quelle surprise Which left me at a bit of an impasse, but I think I can see my way through it. It's actually an opportunity to write something that I've been wanting to include for a while now. So there's that.

I think I've probably only written another sentence on Appetite, which is discouraging but not unexpected. Is it stage fright? They're more than willing to talk to me when I'm nowhere near the computer, but as soon as I open the file, they clam up. So typical. As of November 1, however, I have no more excuses. 500 words a day, hell or high water.

I wrote a few hundred words of incredibly indulgent AKB road trip fic. Friday was aggravating in a number of ways and I needed something that decadently indulgent. Didn't get very far, though, but I'm sure I'll go back to it. It amuses me too much not to and I'm sure nilchance & beanside will enable, as they always do.

So, that happened.

Posit 1: We go through repeating cycles of behavior.

Posit 2: Behavior is fractal: how we do one thing is how we do everything.

When I first make up my mind--and that's a very specific state of mind, making up my mind--then I'm completely on pointe; I'm determined, I'm focused, I'm unstoppable. And I can keep that state of mind almost indefinitely...as long as nothing interrupts me.

And then, when something does, it's nigh unto impossible for me to get that momentum back again. Or so my history would tell me.

With Weight Watchers, I lost 100+ lbs. Then the pilings dissolved out from under my life (lost a 15 year friendship, lost boyfriend, hated job, mom's appendix exploded, she almost died from sepsis and we discovered her first cancer) and... There just wasn't time for any more than there was. Worrying about what I ate just wasn't a possible part of the equation. And that wasn't the end of everything, but it was the start, where I fell off a path that I was on.

With exercise, it was the fatigue. At that point, we still didn't know about the cancer, but I was just SO TIRED. I was barely making it through my work day (and I mean that--barely; there were times I didn't think I'd make it the block and a half from the jobsite to our parking garage without collapsing). I didn't have anything spare to be able to get to the gym and do my usual 4mi on the elliptical. I didn't have the focus or energy to do my yoga. And I've never recovered from that stumble.

With my writing, it was my own cancer. And I've gone on about this ad nauseum and I don't feel like I need to rehash my emotional brow clutching about the difference in my creativity between then and now, but even working within the confines of what I have and am now, I struggle to recover the simple mechanical habits that have little to nothing to do with creativity. Simple things like sitting myself down to write every day.

I do pretty well with it during pressured situations like NaNo (or mini_nanowrimo, as the case may be) but left on my own, without specific deadlines, I'm not nearly as scrupulous. I still write more days than I don't, to be sure, but I miss the steadiness of that daily practice. And all my attempts to recover that consistency have been short-lived and inattentive. And though I feel (intellectually) like it IS and SHOULD BE in my power, the actuality is that I feel helpless to alter my situation. And I don't know how to get past that mental stumbling block. No amount of positive self-talk has made a difference. I feel at such an incredible loss to affect my own circumstances. And I'm not sure what the solution to that is, other than what I'm already doing, which is simple persistence.

It's just that simple persistence can be extremely frustrating, quite often.

Wrote a couple hundred words on AKB today. Poked at Appetite, but I don't think I wrote more than a sentence worth of words on it. I feel like I have so much inside me about this story; so many things I want to do and say, so many ways I could spiral off the central story, if so inclined. Frustrating isn't even the WORD for how I feel about my inability to call all this creativeness out of me in any meaningful way.

Posit 1: We go through repeating cycles of behavior.

Posit 2: Behavior is fractal: how we do one thing is how we do everything.

When I first make up my mind--and that's a very specific state of mind, making up my mind--then I'm completely on pointe; I'm determined, I'm focused, I'm unstoppable. And I can keep that state of mind almost indefinitely...as long as nothing interrupts me.

And then, when something does, it's nigh unto impossible for me to get that momentum back again. Or so my history would tell me.

With Weight Watchers, I lost 100+ lbs. Then the pilings dissolved out from under my life (lost a 15 year friendship, lost boyfriend, hated job, mom's appendix exploded, she almost died from sepsis and we discovered her first cancer) and... There just wasn't time for any more than there was. Worrying about what I ate just wasn't a possible part of the equation. And that wasn't the end of everything, but it was the start, where I fell off a path that I was on.

With exercise, it was the fatigue. At that point, we still didn't know about the cancer, but I was just SO TIRED. I was barely making it through my work day (and I mean that--barely; there were times I didn't think I'd make it the block and a half from the jobsite to our parking garage without collapsing). I didn't have anything spare to be able to get to the gym and do my usual 4mi on the elliptical. I didn't have the focus or energy to do my yoga. And I've never recovered from that stumble.

With my writing, it was my own cancer. And I've gone on about this ad nauseum and I don't feel like I need to rehash my emotional brow clutching about the difference in my creativity between then and now, but even working within the confines of what I have and am now, I struggle to recover the simple mechanical habits that have little to nothing to do with creativity. Simple things like sitting myself down to write every day.

I do pretty well with it during pressured situations like NaNo (or mini_nanowrimo, as the case may be) but left on my own, without specific deadlines, I'm not nearly as scrupulous. I still write more days than I don't, to be sure, but I miss the steadiness of that daily practice. And all my attempts to recover that consistency have been short-lived and inattentive. And though I feel (intellectually) like it IS and SHOULD BE in my power, the actuality is that I feel helpless to alter my situation. And I don't know how to get past that mental stumbling block. No amount of positive self-talk has made a difference. I feel at such an incredible loss to affect my own circumstances. And I'm not sure what the solution to that is, other than what I'm already doing, which is simple persistence.

It's just that simple persistence can be extremely frustrating, quite often.

Wrote a couple hundred words on AKB today. Poked at Appetite, but I don't think I wrote more than a sentence worth of words on it. I feel like I have so much inside me about this story; so many things I want to do and say, so many ways I could spiral off the central story, if so inclined. Frustrating isn't even the WORD for how I feel about my inability to call all this creativeness out of me in any meaningful way.

So, I should probably be all modly and crap and remind y'all that time is running out to sign up for mini_nanowrimo. Sign-ups are closing on the 30th. Minimum committment is 100 words a day for 30 days. As one of the mods, I'm clearly biased about the benefits of the comm, but we have many, many repeat customers who would also be glad to attest how it's helped them either jump-start their writing or get them into a steady habit of daily writing.

It's probably bad form to admit, so close on the heels of that STERLING RECOMMENDATION, to admit that I haven't done any writing today, but we all know I am no stranger to embarassing myself. So. Yeah. That happened. Or didn't happen, as the case may be. I will write at least one sentence today. This I vow!

I was going to write today. I had plans to write. And to catch up on my shows. But instead, I decadently piked off to Balto to have sushi with mah gyrls, something I apparently desperately needed, as I regaled them with stories of The Joys of Modding.

Driving home, with the lowering sun in my eyes and "Sultans of Swing" blaring on the radio, I felt such a deep and profound sense of happiness, of being absolutely content with myself and the world in that moment. I used to ignore those moments, bypassing them for my laundry list of worries and stresses, giving them no weight in the scheme of things. And now... Now I do my best to dive deep into that moment, to occupy it fully and to it's limit and bask in the simple pleasure of being able to say, "I'm happy."

It was a good day.

So, I should probably be all modly and crap and remind y'all that time is running out to sign up for mini_nanowrimo. Sign-ups are closing on the 30th. Minimum committment is 100 words a day for 30 days. As one of the mods, I'm clearly biased about the benefits of the comm, but we have many, many repeat customers who would also be glad to attest how it's helped them either jump-start their writing or get them into a steady habit of daily writing.

It's probably bad form to admit, so close on the heels of that STERLING RECOMMENDATION, to admit that I haven't done any writing today, but we all know I am no stranger to embarassing myself. So. Yeah. That happened. Or didn't happen, as the case may be. I will write at least one sentence today. This I vow!

I was going to write today. I had plans to write. And to catch up on my shows. But instead, I decadently piked off to Balto to have sushi with mah gyrls, something I apparently desperately needed, as I regaled them with stories of The Joys of Modding.

Driving home, with the lowering sun in my eyes and "Sultans of Swing" blaring on the radio, I felt such a deep and profound sense of happiness, of being absolutely content with myself and the world in that moment. I used to ignore those moments, bypassing them for my laundry list of worries and stresses, giving them no weight in the scheme of things. And now... Now I do my best to dive deep into that moment, to occupy it fully and to it's limit and bask in the simple pleasure of being able to say, "I'm happy."

It was a good day.

Fandom: CWRPS
Pairing: Jeff/Jensen, Jared/Jensen
Rating: Adult
Warnings: Slavefic AU. Sexual, mental and physical abuse of adults and minors. Dark themes, adult concepts and language.
Disclaimer: This is in no way a true story.
Word Count: 2,228
AN: Master list of previous chapters found here. Cast of characters can be found here. Banner by the lovely and generous bloodquartz. Podfic version read by the amazing superstitiousme (found here, courtesy of the very kind general_jinjur). And don't forget the other really awesome stories to be found at whatwekeep.
AN2: Um. I think we're more likely looking at 80.

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( It's a good house. )

The Winter Holiday exchanges are coming up and I'm torn whether I want to do Yuletide or 3 Ships or (ha ha ha) both or ANY, given my track record with ficathons lately. La Muse has always been fickle and capricious, but I find that to be especially true when it comes to my desire to sign up for and my ability to carry out ficathons.

My primary motivation for doing Yuletide would be to (hopefully) force someone to write the Glee story I DESPERATELY want, where Rachel is sekritly a transwoman, which...I don't know if that's an honestly good enough reason. Especially since I don't know if I could honestly write a Glee story in return. Which is not a prerequisite, but still.

And as for 3 ships, short of my various permutations of RPF fangirlery, I'm drawing a blank on any other threesome I'm particularly into or interested in right now. Which, given that my usual stance is "Poly makes everything better!" is a little distressing.

I dunno. Lately, I've been feeling a twin pull, one stream going back to SPN (which...yay! Except for the fact that I don't really have the TIME to write SPN right now) and the other going to Appetite, which is nice because that's where my focus is actually supposed to BE for the next little while. Yay post-apocalyptic werewolves! And the glee I get from writing 'post-apocalyptic werewolves'!

Today was an exercise in frustrations, from bullshit at work (OMG, I hate HVAC with a fiery and burning passion and I don't have much better feelings for the guys working on it) to losing my way in the current scene of AKB (I later found it), to the flailing despair of realizing that my everyday email cabal is a little cocky-screw ATM, and isn't really THERE to get me through my long, frustrating days at work the way it has been to finding out my mom's sicker than she's been telling anyone (it's not life or death...or, at least no more so than usual). *sighs* Such a Monday, yo. Such a very, very Monday Monday.

But! On the bright side, I have tomorrow off to do whatever I like. Except sleep in, because the cleaning people are coming at Obscene O'Clock. But I will perservere! And probably play The Sims! And maybe do some writing.

So, I've decided that I'm definitely not doing the official NaNo this year. It makes me really sad--much sadder than I would expect, actually--and mentally, I keep trying to figure out a way to make it work, but I know it's the smart thing to do. I haven't been writing anywhere near 1000 words a day, let alone the 1666 a day I'd need to make it. I have no idea what's going on with us (me & The Husband) in the month of November; I'll be out of work and he might be too (we're okay; it's the nature of the biz. Our project is coming to a close) or we could be moving somewhere else again for a new project. Who knows? Not us. Also, I'll be running the mini_nanowrimo community again this year (with one less mod) and it was just hell last year trying to do "official" nano and do all the modly type stuff and not live in armpit deep filth, so...I'm better off. But I'm still sad.

Which, in a roundabout way, is my way of saying, "Hey! mini_nanowrimo is open for business again!" The goal of mini-nano is to just write something every day. You can commit to as little as 100 words a day, for 30 days. It's open to all fandoms, pairings, and genres, including those red-headed stepchildren, RPF and original fiction. *g*

The really awful thing is that I'm contemplating the apocabigbang, even though a) I have all the previously mentioned problems, b) I have no idea and c) my track record with ficathons lately has been absolute suck. Clearly the lure of the apocalypse is strong. Like a riptide, one might say. I've recently been reading the collection of short stories, Wasteland and contemplating whether I finally have the mental/emotional fortitude to pick up The Road, as well as catching up on eps of The Colony, so clearly my mind is in an apocalyptic place. Unfortunately, this hasn't produced much creative spark. Ah, well.

I usually try and dedicate my NaNo time to a specific project. Even though I'm going mini, rather than maxi, I think I'm going to do the same this year and see if I can make some tracks on Appetite. It won't go away, lingering around my door and mooching for scraps and I think that's a sign of something. I'm feeling wobbly about it, but I also think I may have found a way to get past my giant stumbling block with it. It's a bit of a cheat, but only in my head.

While I'm rambling, I'd like to again rec nilchance's AKB spin off, That Middle Road. There's a lot of borrowing back and forth between our stories and a lot of behind the scenes collaboration about characterization between us, and...frankly, it's just a story that makes me very happy. If you're curious about AKB Jeremy Sisto, or AKB Misha, there's a lot more answers there than I'll probably be able to get to in the main arc.

In terms of other stories that simply make me happy, devilc is writing her own AKB epic over on IJ, regarding Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) and Chris Kane. She just put out a new piece and I don't think I breathed once while reading it. She really captures the jagged, restless, dangerous aspect of Kane's personality and I'm flat out fascinated by her Homme. The overall series doesn't have a name; each chapter has it's own, but they're all tagged here. It's so incredibly good and I think it deserves a hundred more times the attention than it's getting. I know IJ can be a turnoff, but it's really worth the trip over.

There are some other stories that I've gotten to read pre-posting and I really cannot wait for them to be posted so I can rec them to high heaven. But alas. *twiddles thumbs restlessly*

Okay, time to get some adult-type things done. Otherwise I'll never be ready in time for Wincon.

WINCON, BABY!

Fandom: CWRPS
Pairing: Jeff/Jensen, Jared/Jensen
Rating: Adult
Warnings: Slavefic AU. Sexual, mental and physical abuse of adults and minors. Dark themes, adult concepts and language.
Disclaimer: This is in no way a true story.
Word Count: 2,601
AN: Master list of previous chapters found here. Cast of characters can be found here. Banner by the lovely and generous bloodquartz. Podfic version read by the amazing superstitiousme (found here, courtesy of the very kind general_jinjur). And don't forget the other really awesome stories to be found at whatwekeep.

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( I would like…a conversation, brother. If you have time. )